Sep 15th

B & Q job application

By Wendy R
B&Q JOB APPLICATION 

This is an actual job application that a 75-year-old pensioner submitted to B&Q in Tunbridge Wells. 

They hired him because he was so funny....

NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard) 

SEX: Not lately, but 1 am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate) 

DESIRED POSITON: Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever's available.

If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying in the first place - would I? 

DESIRED SALARY: £150,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle. 

EDUCATION: Yes. 

LAST POSITON HELD: Target for middle management hostility. 

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I’m worth. 

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes. 

REASON FOR LEAVING: It was a crap job. 

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any. 

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30 - 3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. 

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment. 

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here'? 

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what? 

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?" 

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me. 

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job – no. On my breaks - yes! 

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big tits and who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. 
Actually, I’d like to be doing that now. 

NEAREST RELATIVE?: 7 miles 

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes. absolutely.
Sep 4th

life

By Wendy R
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

MORAL :
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happens.

3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.

4. Give more.

5. Expect less from people but more from yourself.
Aug 22nd

people's kindness blows me away sometimes!!

By Wendy R
I do believe in Karma!! I am always someone that will do what I can to help anyone that needs it!! On facebook, there is a group for our year at uni - so someone posts- Is anyone in Plymouth that wants to make an easy £30 by handing in my referred coursework today??  Well, I live in Plymouth and had no plans to go out today as I was to be glued to my laptop waiting to hear Zoe's results - but I thought, well I am in Plymouth so messaged him and said 'yeap, quite happy to do that for you - I don't even know him!!!!!!  don't want any money - just email your esssays to me and I will go in and submit for you!!!  I felt really good that I could help him!!

So, I am waiting for the bus and a neighbour of mine was also there, so we had our usual chat, putting the world to rights!!! which continued all the way into town!!  a lovely half an hour chat - the subject of the new kitchens came up and I said I really can't wait as I am cooking with just one hob plate as I don't have room for a cooker!!!!!!  and my microwave blew up!!!!!  And she said 'oh I have got a mini oven/grill you can have!!!!!  Oh fantastic - I will give it straight back when my kitchen is done and I have a cooker and she said - oh I don't want it - have it!!!!!!!

If I hadn't been going into town to help someone out, we would never have chatted and I would still be relying on one hob plate and my trusty omelette pan!!!!!!!!!!!  What a lovely lady!!!!!!!!!!!!! 
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