Apr 15th

From: The Daily Mash

By Colin L

sadman

THE offshore tax avoidance scandal has reminded a man that earning enough money to pay tax would be quite nice.

Wayne Hayes, an unemployed engineer from Salford, has been following the Mossack Fonesca story with a sense of nostalgia for when he last had regular paid work.

Hayes said: “Much like an offshore shell company, I haven’t paid any income tax for years, though in my case it’s because I haven’t had a job since 2011.

“I got all misty-eyed thinking about the first time I completed a self-assessment form for HMRC. I wonder how long it will be before I have to do that again. Probably when I get another job.”

Hayes said he understood how challenging it must be for some people to keep track of all their finances, though he added that he himself had not experienced this particular difficulty, having not had a pay slip in five years.

He continued: “The six-figure sum David Cameron got from his parents is a bit like my Jobseeker’s Allowance, which is also tax-free because it’s naff* all.

“Still, I shouldn’t be annoyed because that would be the politics of envy.”

* Minor editing

Mar 31st

From: News Thump

By Colin L

George Osborne puts the British Steel Industry on eBay

 

George Osborne to put steel industry on eBay

The Chancellor has claimed to have solved the current crisis regarding Tata’s plans to sell off their interests in the British Steel Industry by putting it all on Ebay.

“It has been claimed that re-Nationalising the Steel Industry is the only way to prevent plant closures and the loss of 15,000 jobs,” said Chancellor George Osborne as he breakfasted on champagne porridge served in a diamond slipper.

“However, by putting it on eBay, I am confident that we will be able to attract responsible owners who will have nothing but the best interests of the industry at heart.

“We’ve already got a legitimate businessman from Russia watching the listing.”

Mr Osborne was quick to counter claims that, like every time he’s been involved in selling any large institution, he’ll massively undervalue it so that it sells quickly and the Government doesn’t have to get involved in the tedious business of actually doing any work to look after people’s livelihoods.

“No, there’s a surprisingly robust reserve price on the listing; we learnt that back when we accidentally sold the Royal Mail to a half-drunk middle-aged woman in Wiltshire.”

He also revealed that if the reserve price isn’t matched he has a plan B ready to go.

“Gumtree.”

 
 
 
Mar 19th

From_ The Waterford Whisperer

By Colin L

North Korea Launch Medium Range Missile After Watching YouTube Tutorial

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THE international community has condemned North Korea’s test launch of a medium range missile, which the country successfully constructed after watching several YouTube tutorials.

“We could have sent a spy to MIT in America, learn mechanics, engineering, physics, but this is much cheaper dear leader,” North Korean general Lee Ju Sung revealed in an internal memo addressed to Kim Jong Un, which was intercepted by US Intelligence agencies.

The ominous launch, which displayed dictator Kim Jong Un’s growing efforts to bulk up his military might, was made possible by a 13 minute YouTube tutorial video called ‘How to make a bomb in 5 easy steps’.

 

“You have my apologies glorious leader, we would have had this finished much sooner, but the dial up internet is very slow,” Jung continued in his communication with his country’s leader.

Examination by experts of the launch footage revealed that the Koreans also had to improvise elements of the missile due to a lack of certain materials in a country suffering from the strict trade embargo imposed by the international community.

“The missile just about made a successful launch, but the presence of sellotape, glue and cardboard were clearly visible,” confirmed security and ballistic expert John Caldwell.

The offending video utilised by the isolated nation has been just one of several recent searches made from North Korea’s official computer, others include ‘sexy Kim Jong Un’, ‘how to make enough food for millions of people from one rice field’ and ‘Stars Wars Force Awakens download’.

Feb 25th

From: News Biscuit

By Colin L

25% of £3000 ‘Birth Budget’ must be paid back if child female

 

In line with with the gender pay gap in the UK, the Conservative government has warned 25% of the ‘Birth Budget’ given to pregnant women must be paid back if the child is female.

“We are the party that upholds traditional values in line with the general public”, said Conservative peer Baroness Julia Cumberlege, “the vast majority of our societal expectations border on misogyny and inequality. I have found that our patriarchal leanings dictate that women should be punished for taking all that time off looking after babies when they could be typing up letters or making cups of tea for manly, old-school, grizzled detectives”.

The move has shocked and outraged feminist action groups but Baroness Cumberlege has dismissed their anger as they, “probably haven’t found a nice young man yet”.

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Posted: Feb 24th, 2016 by

 

 

Jul 30th

From: The Daily Mash

By Colin L

 

Office worker excited about impending 'trickle down' of wealth

29-07-15

officeman425

ADMINISTRATOR Wayne Hayes is eagerly waiting to feel the benefits of Britain’s robust economic growth.

Hayes believes the 0.7 per cent increase in UK output will result in him becoming wealthier, having to work less hard and possibly gaining the love of a beautiful woman.

Wayne said: “I know the so-called ‘trickle down effect’ is going to come any day now, and when it does I’m quids in.

“There’s no way my boss isn’t going to share the wealth, after all I’m only on 13k at the minute which he must feel pretty bad about.

“I’m not sure whether they pay the money straight into my account, or whether pound coins literally trickle through the roof like water from a burst pipe.

“Probably I will pocket the initial massive pay rise then move on to one of the exciting new jobs created by the upturn, like horror film director or fighter jet test pilot.”

He added: “I told my hot friend Liz we should go out for a meal to celebrate the biggest rise in industrial productivity since 2010 but she said no.

“She’ll soon change her tune when I get my Ferrari.”

Apr 1st

From: News Biscuit.

By Colin L

 

B&Q to close 60 ‘argument zones’

after screaming at each other in the tile section, why not look at the plants

 

Kingfisher, parent company of B&Q and the ironically titled ‘Screwfix’, has announced it plans to phase out some of its least ‘maritally fractious’ stores.

Executives admitted that certain regional outlets had a poor turnover in splitting up couples – in comparison to city sites, that could wreck ‘over twenty marriages an hour (mph).

B&Q’s brand has long been synonymous with taking perfectly loving partners and transforming them, in the middle of the wall-paper aisle, into ‘snarling beasts’. The ‘Do-It-Yourself’ ethos empowers customers to destroy their own relationships, without recourse to hiring a professional decorator. With extended weekend hours, most married couples have preferred the cheap and efficient way B&Q can make them single again.

The store closures will mean that many couples will be forced to wander the streets in search of contentious issues to argue over. One marriage counsellor warned: ‘B&Q offered a unique combination of disharmony – creative differences, dwindling resources and a confusing layout. That’s something not even IKEA could ever match.’

Sociologists point to the fact that B&Q were at the forefront of relationship discord, by offering same-sex arguments. One expert commented: ‘It’s not just the impact on adults. Where are toddlers going to be able roam free, screaming, amid an environment of lethal weaponry? It’s not as if we can all move to Syria.’

Jan 20th

Single Ladies Toolbox: Tools Every Woman Should Own

By Mary B

Single Ladies Toolbox: Tools Every Woman Should Own

When the kids have grown up and flown the nest and you’re left to manage the family home on your own, it’s important to keep a few essential tools handy for small DIY jobs. Whether you’ve always been independent and single or whether you’ve recently started living alone, every woman should be armed with some basic DIY knowledge. And here are the basic tools you need for the home.


Kitchen Tools

 

  • Household trolleys – these trolleys make great table surfaces but they also make it easier to carry crockery and dishes to and from the kitchen. They are perfect for lone living or for a house with regular guests. You will be surprised at how easy it is to get around with a household trolley table. If you need more help with mobility, visit the National Mobility Service (NHS) website.
  • Electric can opener – make life easier with an electric can opener. Save your strength and avoid accidents in the kitchen with this wonderful electric tool.
  • Angled knives for cutting/carving – for extra safety in the kitchen, use an angled knife to cut and carve. This style of knife has been designed to provide better grip and to make cutting infinitely easier.

 

DIY Tools

 

  • Lightweight claw hammer – every household needs a hammer and the best hammer to own is a claw hammer so you can remove as well as install nails. Choose a lightweight hammer with good grip.
  • Screwdriver set – keep a set of screwdrivers handy for any furniture or equipment in the home which may become loose or unsteady.
  • Measuring tape – whether you are fitting a new curtain pole for your living room or rearranging your furniture, it’s important to know how much space you have. A measuring tape is an essential item for the single ladies toolbox.
  • Household plunger – no household should be without one. If you have a clogged sink or toilet, don’t rely on the neighbour or have to call the local handyman; a simple plunge with some supermarket sink un-blocker liquid is all you need.
  • Flashlight – in the case of a power cut, you should always have a flashlight or torch handy. Be sure to keep candles and matches handy too so you can keep your home lit up when your area is experiencing a powercut.

 

Personal Tools

 

  • Spectacle repair kit – we all know that our sight is everything and when old age brings short or long sightedness, we have to make sure our glasses are within reach at all times. A glasses repair kit (with mini screwdrivers and screws) is essential to everyday life.
  • Step tools – a personal step tool is essential for safety if you need to reach into high shelves or cupboards. This simple aid will make tidying and cleaning much easier and can be used in any room within the house.

 

 

This is a guest blog provided on behalf of Anglia Tool Centre and links to Nationwide Mobility a useful website for people looking for mobility aids. 

 

Jan 18th

DIY Tips for the Over 60s

By Mary B

As we reach the golden age of 60, our bodies aren’t quite as resilient as they used to be. Joint discomfort becomes the norm and getting around just happens at a different tempo. But many of us refuse to let the laws of nature defy us; there are still many things we are able to do, including sports, physical activities, day to day housework, and some light DIY around the home.

If you’re a keen DIYer in the home, here are some tips to make your life a little easier the next time you start a new DIY project.

Painting / Decorating

Many of us actually enjoy painting as it can be considered extremely therapeutic, especially when you’re retired and can complete a paint job at your own leisurely pace. But there are various products available on the market today which could aid your painting project.

 

  • Paint spray systems – a number of brands such as Bosch, Earlex and Black & Decker have created paint guns and paint sprayers which can turn a tedious painting task into an easy job that can be completed in half the time. Watch this video on how to use a traditional paint gun.
  • Extension rod rollers – paint rollers are simple enough to use but they can begin to tire your arm muscles after a while. To create a more comfortable arm action, invest in an extended rod for your roller. This will make painting so much easier and relieve the pressures on your arm and shoulders.
  • Automatic rollers – if you are painting large areas such as the ceiling, having to reload your roller with new paint every 2 minutes can make your day extremely unproductive, especially if you are working on ladders. Going up and down a set of ladders repeatedly can become a problem if you have sore joints. But automatic rollers are attached to an automatic paint refill system and you can get more paint to your roller at the touch of a button.

 

Doors and Windows

 

Fixing or replacing windows and doors can be a big project and heavy lifting can sometimes be an issue. The most important advice is to be careful and get help from a friend or relative if you are unsure of how much you can carry or lift.

Whether you are doing some simple fixes, installing a new garage door or a new easy sliding door system for your patio, here are some tips which could help you make your job much easier.

  • Use the internet as a resource – if you are installing or fixing a door yourself, it’s a good idea to use the internet as your guide. Watch YouTube tutorial videos to help you understand the key techniques required before you begin.
  • Invest in power tools – power tools can make your life so much easier. Not only will you have the advantage of speed but power tools are also considered safer than using manual tools.
  • Get help with heavy lifting – always ask a friend or relative to help you out when there is heavy lifting involved. And always use the proper lifting/carrying technique to avoid any back injuries.

 

 

 

This is a guest blog provided on behalf of Barrier Components. 

 

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