ANY future prime minister must be willing to guarantee the total destruction of the UK in a nuclear war.
As Jeremy Corbyn pledged never to use nuclear weapons, voters made it clear they will reject anyone who will not cause them to be vaporised.
Donna Sheridan, from Stevenage, said: “We should definitely kill millions of enemy civilians because it might cheer us up a bit before we die.
“Retaliation would ultimately be pointless because widespread destruction would be inevitable and they might just send more missiles to finish us off. So we need to be led by someone who isn’t very good at thinking logically.”
She added: “It would help if they had a total disregard for human life and a fixation with apocalyptic vengeance. It’s a shame they killed Bin Laden because he’d be perfect.”
Tom Booker, from Hatfield, said: “A few people would probably survive so fighting back would boost morale. And morale is vitally important when you’re scavenging in the ruins with your teeth falling out.”
THE attention span of the goldfish is now superior to that of humans.
Researchers at the Institute for Studies praised the ornamental fish for its ability to stay focused on a single thing for up to nine seconds.
Professor Henry Brubaker said: “The goldfish has sufficient concentration ability to swim up from the bottom of its bowl and grab a food pellet from the surface of the water.
“You couldn’t do that. You’d get halfway there and be like – oh, the internet. I’d better check some message type thing, buy some trousers or look at a funny cat video.
“So you’d stop to do that, then end up looking a dozen other things of equally poor quality, then have lost all recollection of your original objective.”
Goldfish Tom Logan said: “The secret is that I don’t have a smartphone.
“Also I go inside a little plastic shipwreck model for five minutes every day and meditate.”
A temporary cure for tinnitus?
Jordanistan 4703 points 2 days ago*
Place the palms of your hands over your ears with fingers resting gently on the back of your head. Your middle fingers should point toward one another just above the base of your skull. Place your index fingers on top of you middle fingers and snap them (the index fingers) onto the skull making a loud, drumming noise. Repeat 40-50 times. Some people experience immediate relief with this method.
Repeat several times a day for as long as necessary to reduce tinnitus.
This always works for me.
Cameron visit better than a British passport, says refugee
A SYRIAN refugee visited by David Cameron has confirmed that she would never exchange that experience for British citizenship.
Asala Zedan, who lives with her three children in a tent in the desert a mile outside a war zone, said that meeting the UK’s prime minister was worth more than any change in living conditions.
She said: “Sadly I could not understand a word he said and he left the moment the photographers were finished, but nonetheless it is so good to know that he cares.
“Those precious minutes, as he sat uncomfortably on the floor while Special Branch threatened to shoot anyone who approached the tent, are more important to me than a thousand homes in Wolverhampton where my children could grow up without daily shelling.
“Germany may take in 800,000 of my people, but has their leader flown here for a 60-second clip released free to news agencies? I think not.”
Zedan added: “Mr Cameron also took the time to warn me about a man called Jeram al-Corbin, who he says is a dangerous extremist who threatens the country’s security, economic security and my family’s security.
“I told him I have first-hand experience of such people, and offered my sympathies.”
Church of England demand God’s right to prolong suffering
The Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby, has spoken out on behalf of the increasingly impotent God, on a difficult issue that has arisen from His regretful decision to give mankind free will, rather than just His own perfect will.
Fortunately for God, the Archbishop Welby has the kind of power and influence over the affairs of man that He could only dream of, as well as having a very fancy outfit with lots of gold bits, a massive hat and a crooked stick which shows just what a terrifically wise man he really is.
The Most Reverend Primate – as the good Lord’s Kent-based rep also likes to be known – is deeply concerned that given the right to die, the people who God mysteriously chooses to make terminally sick will lose out on a whole six months of quality-time before they have to prematurely depart into the eternal embrace of our loving Creator.
When it was pointed out that Christ’s foreknowledge of the consequence of his his final actions means that his crucifixion could be thought of as assisted dying, the Archbishop loosened his dog collar, took a shot of Communion wine, and sagely reminded us to “consider the lilies of the field”.
However, it so happens that the Archbishop need not have worried, because Friday’s vote in the House of Commons – which rejected the Assisted Dying Bill – means that God’s prayers were mercifully answered, and Justin can now return to the many other matters of life and death which God cannot be bothered to deal with.
Hand luggage rescued in British Airways fire drama
Designer clothing, cigarettes, alcohol and souvenirs of Los Angeles were just some of the items rescued from a blazing plane prior to take off. Alighting passengers were trapped inside a burning plane pun; while many of the 170 items of luggage were threatened with smoke damage, having to use Ryanair for their weight allowance or making the baggage carousel look like a rotisserie BBQ.
Terrified passengers managed to ignore safety procedures and normal humanitarian intervention by opening overhead lockers and salvaging personal possessions before taking to the emergency exits. Luckily only very minor injuries were sustained by one female passenger who fell base over apex after snagging her Jimmy Choo heels in the inflatable escape chute. Another passenger fell headfirst onto the tarmac in an attempt to stop a bottle of Absolute Vodka slipping from his grip. He was later commended for his actions by hospital staff.
A spokesman for British Airways praised passengers and crew in their heroic attempts to void the plane of any valuable objects before attending to their own personal safety. From the adrenalin-pumping moments when the evacuation was ordered, passenger emotions have been described as ‘powerful', from jubilation at their escape from a burning jet to horror at what might have happened to their possessions if the blaze had taken hold a few seconds later when the plane was airborne.
Other passengers have praised the actions of the British Airways pilot who was given a round of applause after he addressed them following the fire. ‘Thanks to him,’ said one grateful passenger, ‘my grandson will still get to open his Xbox 360 on Christmas day. Otherwise my life might have been a complete disaster.’
All alcohol looks classy in a box
ANY bottle of alcohol will instantly look classy when placed in a box, experts have confirmed.
Researchers found that everything from expensive spirits to bottled beers will look like a collectable item instead of just a potent narcotic.
Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “You could do it with White Lightning. Put it in a wooden box with ‘White Lightning’, carved down the side of it and it would look like something you might put on the mantel piece.’
“Not something you would drink in a park shortly before passing out.”
He added: “If you put a can of Scrumpy Jack in a box, next to a frosty pint glass, it would look like something you might give to your dad on Father’s day.”
Professor Brubaker also confirmed that the reverse is true: “If you drink expensive champagne out of a Styrofoam cup, you will end up thinking ‘Why the hell would anyone pay £100 for a bottle of this?’”
Labour set to unveil the iCorbyn™
To the delight of technology fans and beard-wearers, the Labour Party is planning to launch a new device which will revolutionize the way we think of revolutions. This simple handle-held socialist will come in a retro 1980 shell, an expanded memory that includes references to Nye Bevan and with one button – mysteriously labelled ‘panic’.
Some have complained that the iCorbyn™ will have a ‘bad reception’ in parts of southern England, but admit that it cannot be worse than Vodaphone. The new phone will have a ‘touchy feely’ screen, which responds to pressure from fingers and fingers from pressure groups. It will also have a range of ‘Apps’ guaranteed to customize as well as nationalize.
Ironically iCorbyn’s main competitor, Apple, are persisting with their gimmicky ‘Liz Kendall 6S’, which runs on the same New Labour operating system as every other candidate. While in 2020 the Tories plan to launch the ‘Chocolate Boris’, but early concerns are that it is a ‘bit of a brick’, with no smart technologies and a ring tone that sounds a ‘deflating space hopper’.
The iCorbyn™ will have 80% more processing power than a ‘Milliband’ equivalent but will fortunately not have the ‘Ed’s’ calamitous selfie-camera. An inbuilt virtual assistant, voiced by the late Tony Benn, will instantly provide directions to the user, provided all those directions are ‘turn straight left’.
Whisky drinkers will believe anything, say scientists
WHISKY ‘connoisseurs’ are just ruddy-nosed cash dispensers, according to new research.
After a whisky fired into space was said to have aromas of rubber and smoked fish, distillers are focussing on doing more stupid things to get money.
Whisky merchant Roy Hobbs said: “I have a barrel of Speyside which has had a kilt soaking in it for the last three years. The kilt helps ‘reconder the phenaptols’ in the whisky. Two words I just totally made up.
“I’m hoping it will pay for a summer house in France, where they drink real booze made of fruit.”
Whisky was originally invented in China as a more stable version of gunpowder, but was taken up as a drink by the Scots in the 15th Century as a form of suicide to avoid capture by the English.
With ‘space whisky’ expected to sell at 50 times the price of its earth counterpart, distillers are now strapping barrels to a goat, having an old woman shout at them and making them with water extracted from ‘haunted’ peat.
Hobbs said: “It’s just plants and water mashed up in a big vat.”
Number of years you’ve been alive 'tells you how old you really are'
SCIENTISTS have developed a new ‘age test’ based on when you were born.
Researchers at the Institute for Studies believe they have developed the definitive test of a person’s biological age, which is based on their birth date.
Professor Henry Brubaker said: “We’ve seen dozens of internet tests purporting to tell you how old you really are, but none as accurate as this.
“To do it at home, simply add up the number of years you’ve been alive. For example, if you’ve been alive for 46 years, you are 46.”
59-year-old Julian Cook said: “This explains why I’ve been feeling a bit knackered lately.
“It’s because I was born an increasingly long time ago.”