CAREFUL bicycle users are increasingly using the pavement as a way to avoid the dangers of the road.
Office worker Tom Booker cycles entirely on the pavement for his morning commute because pedestrians are less potentially harmful than buses.
He said: “The pavement is great, it’s like a tiny road where I am king. The weight of my bike and my speed means that if I hit a walking person they are likely to come off worse, which is reassuring to know.”
However Booker admitted that it can be frustrating when the pavement is crowded with pedestrians who stubbornly refuse to step into the road.
“I cycle up behind them with my tyre almost touching the back of their ankle, or touching the back of their ankle a tiny bit, until they get the message and go in a shop doorway. I don’t have a bell, because they’re a little fey, however sometimes I am tempted to shout ‘Cyclist coming through!’ as a kind of joke but with a serious message.
“Not sure though, pedestrians are notorious for their poor sense of humour.”
Pedestrian Emma Bradford said: “The main thing is that cyclists are safe and if that means getting knocked over occasionally, it’s a price I’m willing to pa
FOOD may be less harmful than previously thought, it has been claimed.
New research has challenged the widely held belief that all food either triggers cancer, accelerates ageing or instantly gives you a massive butt.
Biologist Helen Archer said: “Contrary to popular belief, food contains nutrients that are beneficial to the human body. It may even be that hunger is our body’s way of encouraging us to eat food, rather than being a moral flaw.”
Archer’s experiment involved two groups of humans, one of which was allowed to eat food while the other could not.
“After 48 hours group B – the no food group – was clearly lagging in test activities like running up hills. They also reported feeling generally unhappy.
“This could turn everything we know about food on its head.”
43-year-old Norman Steele said: “I’ve always suspected that food might not be all bad.
“However I will continue to ‘fast’ at weekends because of some BS I read about cavemen.”
Sometime ago I was in hell with an ulcer on my leg. I thoughty you might to hear how things have gone as some of you did write to me on DRopBy with advice and sympathy- perhaps I may have some infomation that will help you if you ever have an ulcer on your leg.
When I lived in my house I was with a Surgery that we liked. I have now moved down into Caversham and have changed my doctors as they are nearby but also because everyone praised the District Nurses at this Surgery. (I was having trouble with the Nurses who were coming from the first Surgery - hope you are still with me!) These nurses tried different things on the ulcer, honey, and ironing which did very little. The ironide was absolute agony and I could not move from room to room without extreme (+) pain as it soaked down the ulcer. Lovely nurses and the boss one actually hugged and kissed me when they left.
The new District Nurses are brilliant, and they washed my leg every time they were with me - with a bowl of warm water which helped them to take off the dressings as well as cleaning the leg. The others just pulled them off and tore my skin (which is extremely thin)
I had to have a dreadful thing called a dropler which was like having your blood pressure on your arms but this was on my leg 3 times on each leg. Cried with agony. However it enabled the nurses to see which sort of ulcer I had and they could compress the leg. They did that but the ulcer weeped badly and I was constantly ringing for nurses and on 111 at weekends as the nurses didn't want the ulcer to be wet. It was ALWAYS weeping throiugh all the bandages. I had to have a towel under my leg in bed at night.
However the wonderful nurses down here have discovered that the dressing for me is - SEAWEED. Within a month the ulcer has become smaller and smaller, the weeping has gone and I now have nurses coming once a week rather than every day! and my thin skin , having not being torn, disappeared leaving intact.
They tell me that very soon they will just wrap the bandage round my leg with no dressing just in case it comes back.
I have been housebound for 7-8 months and it has taken me something to start going out and walking. I feel so fit and people say how well I look. I feel very happy and I am even hearing better - today I turned on the radio and could hear it which is new to me with my hearing aids.
Pain really does drag one down. I remember as I hobbled about I longed when I would have no pain. I could hardly remember when I hadn't felt my leg was on fire. I never knew how really nasty ulcers are.
George Osborne today made a peace offering to the House of Lords by ordering them all delicious bacon or sausage sandwiches whilst they are in session in the House.
‘Obviously tempers are high and fraying but it’s important to remember that these people are Lords and should be treated as such with the best delicacies money can buy’, Mr Osborne cheerily announced. ‘We will also be looking at repealing the Lords smoking ban, offering free alcohol between nine a.m. and midnight, removing the need for Lords to wear seatbelts and upping the speed limits their official cars can legally reach. It’s the least we can do.’
Suggestions that George Osborne might be trying to kill off some of the elderly Lords were dismissed when it turned out that half of them have been dead for some time already.
RESEARCHERS have uncovered a direct link between contentment and thickness.
Experts found that people with a larger frontal cortex inhibit endorphins by using up all their energy panicking about stuff, while those with a smaller cortex just go about their day.
Professor Henry Brubaker, from the Institute for Studies, said: “You’ll rarely hear an intellectual use the phrase ‘mustn’t grumble’ and there’s a very good reason for that.
“The ability to process and contextualise information leads you to grumble, at every opportunity, about how monstrously unpleasant life is.”
The researchers also confirmed that they became unhappier whenever they asked the stupid people to explain why they were so content.
Phrases such as ‘there’s always somebody worse off’ and ‘cheer up, it may never happen’ simply reminded the researchers of all the people who are worse off and all the occasions when it actually did happen.
Professor Brubaker added: “I sometimes run head first at a brick wall just so I can get a decent night’s sleep.”
ANY future prime minister must be willing to guarantee the total destruction of the UK in a nuclear war.
As Jeremy Corbyn pledged never to use nuclear weapons, voters made it clear they will reject anyone who will not cause them to be vaporised.
Donna Sheridan, from Stevenage, said: “We should definitely kill millions of enemy civilians because it might cheer us up a bit before we die.
“Retaliation would ultimately be pointless because widespread destruction would be inevitable and they might just send more missiles to finish us off. So we need to be led by someone who isn’t very good at thinking logically.”
She added: “It would help if they had a total disregard for human life and a fixation with apocalyptic vengeance. It’s a shame they killed Bin Laden because he’d be perfect.”
Tom Booker, from Hatfield, said: “A few people would probably survive so fighting back would boost morale. And morale is vitally important when you’re scavenging in the ruins with your teeth falling out.”
THE attention span of the goldfish is now superior to that of humans.
Researchers at the Institute for Studies praised the ornamental fish for its ability to stay focused on a single thing for up to nine seconds.
Professor Henry Brubaker said: “The goldfish has sufficient concentration ability to swim up from the bottom of its bowl and grab a food pellet from the surface of the water.
“You couldn’t do that. You’d get halfway there and be like – oh, the internet. I’d better check some message type thing, buy some trousers or look at a funny cat video.
“So you’d stop to do that, then end up looking a dozen other things of equally poor quality, then have lost all recollection of your original objective.”
Goldfish Tom Logan said: “The secret is that I don’t have a smartphone.
“Also I go inside a little plastic shipwreck model for five minutes every day and meditate.”
A temporary cure for tinnitus?
Jordanistan 4703 points 2 days ago*
Place the palms of your hands over your ears with fingers resting gently on the back of your head. Your middle fingers should point toward one another just above the base of your skull. Place your index fingers on top of you middle fingers and snap them (the index fingers) onto the skull making a loud, drumming noise. Repeat 40-50 times. Some people experience immediate relief with this method.
Repeat several times a day for as long as necessary to reduce tinnitus.
This always works for me.
Cameron visit better than a British passport, says refugee
A SYRIAN refugee visited by David Cameron has confirmed that she would never exchange that experience for British citizenship.
Asala Zedan, who lives with her three children in a tent in the desert a mile outside a war zone, said that meeting the UK’s prime minister was worth more than any change in living conditions.
She said: “Sadly I could not understand a word he said and he left the moment the photographers were finished, but nonetheless it is so good to know that he cares.
“Those precious minutes, as he sat uncomfortably on the floor while Special Branch threatened to shoot anyone who approached the tent, are more important to me than a thousand homes in Wolverhampton where my children could grow up without daily shelling.
“Germany may take in 800,000 of my people, but has their leader flown here for a 60-second clip released free to news agencies? I think not.”
Zedan added: “Mr Cameron also took the time to warn me about a man called Jeram al-Corbin, who he says is a dangerous extremist who threatens the country’s security, economic security and my family’s security.
“I told him I have first-hand experience of such people, and offered my sympathies.”
Church of England demand God’s right to prolong suffering
The Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby, has spoken out on behalf of the increasingly impotent God, on a difficult issue that has arisen from His regretful decision to give mankind free will, rather than just His own perfect will.
Fortunately for God, the Archbishop Welby has the kind of power and influence over the affairs of man that He could only dream of, as well as having a very fancy outfit with lots of gold bits, a massive hat and a crooked stick which shows just what a terrifically wise man he really is.
The Most Reverend Primate – as the good Lord’s Kent-based rep also likes to be known – is deeply concerned that given the right to die, the people who God mysteriously chooses to make terminally sick will lose out on a whole six months of quality-time before they have to prematurely depart into the eternal embrace of our loving Creator.
When it was pointed out that Christ’s foreknowledge of the consequence of his his final actions means that his crucifixion could be thought of as assisted dying, the Archbishop loosened his dog collar, took a shot of Communion wine, and sagely reminded us to “consider the lilies of the field”.
However, it so happens that the Archbishop need not have worried, because Friday’s vote in the House of Commons – which rejected the Assisted Dying Bill – means that God’s prayers were mercifully answered, and Justin can now return to the many other matters of life and death which God cannot be bothered to deal with.