Jul 2nd

From: News Thump

By Colin L

Hundreds blinded by sunlight reflecting off pasty white English bodies


pasty white english bodies

Hundreds of people have been struck blind by bright sunlight reflecting off the pasty white bodies of British people with their shirts off, Doctors have claimed today.

Medical authorities have issued a warning not to look directly at the pallid, reflective surface of other people’s bodies as the risks to eyesight are the same as staring straight into the sun.

Reports also indicate that the reflected dazzle of thousands of topless Britons on Blackpool beach yesterday was visible from the International Space Station.

“British bodies simply aren’t supposed to be exposed to direct sunlight like this”, a spokesman for the British Medical Journal told us.

“Many men have spent years carefully cultivating large, pasty moobs in almost total darkness , and their reflective capacity when exposed to sunlight is, frankly, terrifying.”

“If you must look at someone who is flashing the guns for the first time in years, make sure you do it through a pinhole in a sheet of paper or through welders goggles to protect your eyes.”

The spokesman went on to “Thank God” that the fashion for muffin tops has passed or the consequences in strong sunlight might have been catastrophic.

Victims of what is being termed ‘moob-blindness’ are also having to receive therapy due to the horror of the last thing they will ever see being a half-naked person whose primary diet is cans of Carling.

Meanwhile Iain McLeish of Largs has been declared a traffic hazard after taking his shirt off in the garden for the first time since 1978.

Jul 1st

From: News Thump

By Colin L

Confusing sun cream labels being used to ‘kill off morons’


Sun cream confusing

The needlessly confusing labels on bottles of sun lotion are a covert way of reducing the population and improving the gene pool, it has been confirmed.

As it was revealed that the “SPF” factor only refers to half of the damage that the sun could do to your fat face, sun cream executives were forced to admit that they were part of a hideous plot.

“Very clever of you, very clever indeed” said Norman Felch, CEO of Mostly-For-Show Sun Lotions, while clapping his hands slowly and stroking a big, white, fluffy cat.

“We thought that if we put a big label on the sun lotion saying “SPF 50” then you would all blindly obey; and most of you did, God rest your souls.”

“But now it seems some of you have worked out that you also need to check the star rating for UVA rays, the pie chart for UVZ rays, and the venn diagram for rays TBC.”

“Now we will have to curb the population some other way, we may even have to go back to making ‘healthy’ smoothies.”

Members of the public have been shocked and baffled by the news.

“I’m shocked and baffled” confirmed Frederick Grant, a dangerously pale man from Somerset.

“Surely that massive number on the front of the bottle should cover EVERYTHING, not just certain bits of that massive ball of fire that’s definitely trying to kill me.”

“That’s like buying a front door that keeps out 30% of my ex-wives. It’s just not good enough.”

“Sod it. I’m just going to take Billy Connolly’s advice and go to the beach in a welder’s suit and a diver’s helmet.”

Jun 30th

Met Office issue a level 2 heatwave alert

By Mary B

There is an 80 % probability of heatwave conditions between 1200 on Tuesday and 0600 on Thursday in parts of England.

What should you do?

Mostly, it’s a matter of common sense. Listen to your local weather forecast so you know if a heatwave is on the way. Plan ahead to reduce the risk of ill health from the heat.

Who is most at risk?

The heat can affect anyone, but some people run a greater risk of serious harm. These include:

• older people, especially those over 75

• babies and young children

• people with serious mental health problems

• people on certain medication

• people with a serious chronic condition, particularly breathing or heart problems

• people who already have a high temperature from an infection

• people who misuse alcohol or take illicit drugs

• people with mobility problems

• people who are physically active, like manual workers and athletes

 

Top tips for keeping cool

It is best for your health to avoid getting too hot in the first place. Remember to think of those who may be more at risk from the effects of heat. Below are some tips to keep yourself and others cool and what to do if someone feels unwell:

Stay out of the heat:

• keep out of the sun between 11am and 3pm

• if you have to go out in the heat, walk in the shade, apply sunscreen and wear a hat and light scarf

• avoid extreme physical exertion. If you can’t avoid strenuous outdoor activity, like sport, DIY or gardening, keep it for cooler parts of the day, like early morning or evening

• wear light, loose-fitting cotton clothes

Cool yourself down:

• have plenty of cold drinks, and avoid excess alcohol, caffeine and hot drinks

• eat cold foods, particularly salads and fruit with a high water content

• take a cool shower, bath or body wash

• sprinkle water over the skin or clothing, or keep a damp cloth on the back of your neck

Keep your environment cool:

• keeping your living space cool is especially important for infants, the elderly or those with chronic health conditions or those who can’t look after themselves

• keep windows that are exposed to the sun closed during the day, and open windows at night when the temperature has dropped

• close curtains that receive morning or afternoon sun, however, care should be taken with metal blinds and dark curtains, as these can absorb heat – consider replacing or putting reflective material in-between them and the window space

• place a thermometer in your main living room and bedroom to keep a check on the temperature

• turn off non-essential lights and electrical equipment – they generate heat

• keep indoor plants and bowls of water in the house as evaporation helps cool the air

• if possible, move into a cooler room, especially for sleeping

• electric fans may provide some relief, if temperatures are below 35°C – at temperatures above 35°C fans may not prevent heat related illness and may cause dehydration; the advice is not to aim the fan directly on the body and to have regular drinks - this is especially important in the case of sick people confined to bed

If you, or somebody you know, find your home to be uncomfortably hot and you have concerns about it affecting yours or someone else’s health, seek medical advice about the person, and seek advice from the environmental health department within your local authority about the home.

 

If you or others feel unwell:

• try to get help if you feel dizzy, weak, anxious or have intense thirst and headache; move to a cool place as soon as possible and measure your body temperature

• drink some water or fruit juice to rehydrate

• rest immediately in a cool place if you have painful muscular cramps (particularly in the

legs, arms or abdomen, in many cases after sustained exercise during very hot weather), and drink oral rehydration solutions containing electrolytes

• medical attention is needed if heat cramps last more than one hour

• consult your doctor if you feel unusual symptoms or if symptoms persist

 

Seek advice if you have any concerns:

• contact your doctor, a pharmacist or NHS 111 if you are worried about your health during a heatwave, especially if you are taking medication, if you feel unwell or have any unusual symptoms

• watch for cramp in your arms, legs or stomach, feelings of mild confusion, weakness or problems sleeping

• if you have these symptoms, rest for several hours, keep cool and drink water or fruit juice.

 

Seek medical advice if they get worse or don’t go away

 

If you suspect someone has heatstroke:

Remember, heatstroke can kill. It can develop very suddenly, and rapidly lead to

unconsciousness. If you suspect someone has heatstroke, call 999 immediately.

 

While waiting for the ambulance

• if possible, move the person somewhere cooler

• increase ventilation by opening windows or using a fan

• cool them down as quickly as possibly by loosening their clothes, sprinkling them with cold water or wrapping them in a damp sheet

• if they are conscious, give them water or fruit juice to drink

• do not give them aspirin or paracetamol

 

For More Information

• check the weather forecast and any high temperature health warnings at:

www.metoffice.gov.uk

• for further information about how to protect your health during a heatwave visit NHS Choices at www.nhs.uk/summerhealth

• advice on ways to minimise ultraviolet ray induced skin and eye damage can be found on NHS Choices website at: www.nhs.uk/Livewell/skin/Pages/Sunsafe.aspx

• heatwaves may worsen air pollution. If you would like more information about air pollution in the UK or health advice to those who may be particularly sensitive to air pollution there is an automated freephone recorded information service run by Defra on 0800 55 66 77, or Defra website http://uk-air.defra.gov.uk/

Jun 24th

From: The Spoof

By Colin L

 
 
Written by StubbornGorillaRating:
Tuesday, 23 June 2015
image for Climate Change Deniers Deny Denying the Existence of Climate Change
The winds of change will certainly follow the money

After a non stop barrage of natural disasters has made climate change deniers look like ninnies, several high profile culprits have started changing their tunes. Although, not everyone is ready to completely commit to the problem.

Jim DeMint, President of The Heritage Foundation stated that, "My winter home burned to the ground because of the drought in California, and my summer home in Texas just got washed away in all the flooding. The escalation of dangerous weather around the country has had some very direct consequences on me. If my organization wasn't reliant on funding from a major energy company I would be inclined to admit that something is going on with the weather, but I'm not sure I would 100% state that climate change is real."

Oklahoma Senator, Jame Inhofe stated that he started giving climate change more consideration after, "My mansion was flooded with water instead of campaign money this year, and I need to reverse those two flows." The Senator went on to elaborate, "with many of my constituents being directly effected by weather it is getting harder and harder to convince them that I am right, and that people are just exaggerating the effects of "a little water in the basement.""

After several embarrassing instances where his legendary comb over was exposed by extreme weather, Donald Trump was quoted as saying, "I never believed in any of this climate nonsense until my mousse could no longer brave the elements. That stuff is almost made of cement, and if the wind is blowing bad enough to move it, something is definitely going on!"

Retired atmospheric physicist, Richard Lindzen has recently stated, "Now that I'm no longer receiving grant money from anybody I can say whatever I want."

The retired professor was asked what his current opinion on all of the crazy weather events happening in the United States, "Well the truth of the matter is..."

The professor interrupted the interview by answering his ringing phone, "Yes? Yes I am, can you call me back? Oh, I was just going to say... How much? OK."

Professor Lindzen hung up his phone and continued, "Sorry about that. I was just about to say that my opinion on climate change is the same as it has always been."

Marco Rubio, the Florida Senator who is famous for declaring himself "not a scientist" was asked if he had changed his opinion on the subject at all, "Of course I have. There is a large portion of the electorate that believes something is going on, and I, for one, would love to convince those constituents that I think like they do. Did I mention that I'm running for President?"

Jun 23rd

From: The Spoof

By Colin L
Recycled Waste Water Solves Drought Problem

 
 

Sunday, 21 June 2015

California Governor Jerry Brown ended the state of emergency conditions caused by the long drought that has ravaged the Golden State for years. Mr. Brown took credit for assembling a team of top tier scientists from Stanford and Berkeley who developed a new technology that will finally solve the vexing problem once and for all.

The innovative solution involves channeling the collective waste water from households and using it for the sole purpose of drinking. The sophisticated scientific process has the additional benefit of eliminating overpopulation while boosting record profits for hospitals, pharmacies, and mortuaries.

Public reaction to the plan has thus far been positive. Californians are proud of their reputation for having the cleanest waste water in the nation, and they look forward to drinking urine as long as it is appropriately labeled as beer.

Jun 9th

From: News Thump

By Colin L

Government confirms drug that killed Charles Kennedy to remain perfectly legal


alcohol to remain perfectly legal

Home Secretary Theresa May has confirmed she has no plans to limit the sale of the hugely addictive ‘legal high’ which led to the untimely death of former Liberal Democrat leader Charles Kennedy.

The drug, known as ‘alcohol’ is freely available throughout society, despite causing thousands of deaths every year in the UK.

Following recent government announcements that will make other legal highs ‘illegal’, the Home Secretary confirmed she has no plans to change the law on the particular drug that caused Charles Kennedy’s death.

She told reporters, “So-called legal highs killed a huge number of people in this country last year – it was into the sixties I believe, so something must be done about that. Urgently.”

“So I just don’t have the time to address your concerns about a different legal high which resulted in the deaths of thousands of people.”

“We’re happy for people to have choice when it comes to that particular drug.”

“We as a government have our priorities, and right now they are to focus on banning things that don’t generate any tax revenue.”

“No, sorry, I mean banning things that damage people’s health.”

Legal highs

Health campaigner Simon Williams said that the government was clearly in the pockets of the drug cartels that are responsible for pushing ‘alcohol’ towards the most vulnerable in society.

He told us, “Those cartels are clever, because you’ll never find them dealing directly to children and the vulnerable, they have an elaborate network of dealers and high-street hustlers working for them to take the fall.”

“These dealers and hustlers – or ‘supermarkets’ and ‘corner shops’ as they’re known – will offer all sorts of special offers to get you hooked on this alcohol stuff.”

“But there’s nothing tying the sale directly to the cartel. They get all the benefit, and none of the risk. It’s kinda genius when you think about it.”

“But once they’ve got their hooks into you, that’s it. You’re theirs for the rest of your life.”

Jun 3rd

From: The Daily Mash

By Colin L

Middle class people still convinced science is evil

02-06-15

scan425

SCIENCE is basically evil despite things like cancer treatment, according to most middle class people.

Following a momentous science-based breakthrough in shrinking tumours, comfortably-off parents maintained laboratories were bad and that everyone should live on a little farm, doing weaving.

Mother-of-two Emma Bradford said: “Science is just all about big corporations and making chickens with nine wings and fourteen breasts for fast food companies.

“We need to get back to nature, Mother Earth and treating serious illnesses by rubbing leaves on them.

“Also being in tune with the seasons, that sort of thing.”

Part-time lecturer Stephen Malley said: “Discoveries like electricity have done nothing for us except bring television which rots our children’s minds.

“We need a simpler, community-based way of life like our ancestors used to have, which was really fulfilling despite the grinding physical toil, freezing cold living conditions and very short life expectancy.

He added: “However I do like Apple products, they look nice.”

May 29th

Ulcer

By Chrystie M

I am in so much pain I am wondering if anyone has been like this or even someone just agree with me having been in the same situation. 

It started with an alarm clock falling on my leg, and it actually cut a hole in the leg.  then a large  cyster grew like a black grape.  That eventually got down, but it has left a rather large ulcer.

So I went to the Nurses at our Surgery for help  they have helped me with an ulcer once before, when I cut a varicose vein on my leg on the door of our dishwasher!!

My skin is SO thin that just getting a touch large bruises appear, if not a bruise, bleeding!

So the treatrment that the Nurses always do, is putting a square of some treatment, then covering  over  a sticking  dressing on that.  But of course when they took the dressing off it tears the skin, which didn't help the ulcer.  Finally we have just got some very light sticky foam on it and then covered with a long white stocking to hold it on, but HELL I can't walk with the pain, and although one Nurse thought it was gettring better I am afraid I don't think so.  It is very easy to change the dressings and I can do it myself. But even the foam is painful as I roll it off.

We are now waiting for a swab to return from the hospital to see if any antibiotic will help.

You may advise the doctor but in the past a doctor said that doctors don't know much about this, and the Nurses are he best people to go to.

Tomorrow our Art Class is having their annual exhibition and I had three pictures all set up to take, with a friend who has a car and she offered to help me, but this morning I have just sent her an email to say that I really can't accept her kind offer when I cannot help in any way.

May 16th

From: The Daily Mash

By Colin L

NHS gone

15-05-15

wheelchair 425x265

BRITAIN has woken up to find the National Health Service replaced by signs promising that an exciting new health provider is coming soon.

Across the UK, hospitals, clinics and doctors have been removed overnight leaving only hoardings showing airbrushed images of fantastic healthcare being given to pretty people.

Francesca Johnson, standing outside the razor-wire fenced 74-acres of waste ground that used to be the Royal Surrey County Hospital, said: “It’s all very well that 21st century healthcare solutions are coming soon to this space, but my baby’s due next week.

“Though it has solved the problems with parking.”

Health secretary Jeremy Hunt said: “The National Health Service is in perfectly safe hands with the Conservatives, but I’m not telling you where it is.

“Unfortunately we found that across the country the NHS was under assault by the British public, who were draining its resources, exhausting its staff and even dying on its premises, leaving it in an absolutely terrible state.

“Consequently we have taken the difficult decision to remove the NHS from the British Isles until further notice.

“We apologise for any inconvenience this might cause over the next few years, but if you do find you need urgent surgery call 111 and automated voice menus will guide you through the necessary steps.”

Anyone with friends or loved ones staying in hospital has received a letter promising that they, or friends and loved ones of equivalent value, will be returned to them by 2018 at the latest.

May 15th

My Heart Health Journey

By Christine B

It seems like a "lifetime" away now, since I had my heart attack in November 2013, but I remember it well!

Sitting in our lounge, watching "Prime Ministers Question Time" (I still blame that programme and will no longer watch it!!), when I became aware of a niggling indigestion type pain.

Long story cut short - it weren't indigestion, and 30 minutes later found myself on an operating table, having my tubes cleaned like dynorod, and with a brand new stent.

I was lucky - my coronary arteries were 100% blocked, but thanks to the medical team, I'm still here.

Amazed that I was allowed home on the 3rd day, I then started on rehabilitation - slowly at first - brisk walks, gradually lengthening each week.  Then cardiac rehab classes under the watchful eye of the hospital physiotherapists.

I passed the cardiac rehab course after 5 weeks, then it was left open to us to continue exercise.  I could have done it by myself, and saved some money, but I decided to join the local specialised cardiac class near me.

It was a struggle at first - 5 minutes of warm up exercises were not a problem - then followed by 30 minutes or so of circuit training - step ups, press ups, static cycling, rowing machine - I could go on and on...

Fast forward - last May I was deemed fit enough to undertake a sponsored walk for "The Sussex Heart Charity" - a fabulous organisation that has raised thousands upon thousands of pounds, which is nearly all ploughed back into the cardiac services at the hospitals and in local communities (they have been providing automatic defibrillators and the training to use them all over the County, completely free of charge).  I raised about £250 last year doing this 5 mile walk, not sure whether I'd be able to make it, but I did - in one hour 45 minutes.

Last September, I did another sponsored walk, to raise funds for a local girl with cerebral palsy who badly needed a special electric chair.  The walk was 10K, and challenging as there were lots of coastal hills to climb.  As well as having a period when I had to stop as I was pushing my heart a bit too much, I was also suffering excrutiating sciatica, but it was worth it - I raised £330 for Leisha, and the look on her face just before Christmas when she was presented with her £21,000 chair was worth every bit of pain.

I've now come full circle, having last Sunday completed my 2nd sponsored walk for "The Sussex Heart Charity" - I've not pressed the sponsorship so much this year as I know people are reluctant..... so £170 is not too bad - plus, the big bonus - I FEEL SO GOOD!!

In a way, I am thankful for my early "wake up call", and would advise everyone to take heart, take care of themselves - a good diet and plenty of regular gentle exercise goes a long way!

 

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