Aug 26th

Intermittent Fasting

By Colin L

 

Extract from:

 

http://www.delisofit.com/2015/08/25/is-intermittent-fasting-for-you/

 



 

Benefits Of Intermittent Fasting:
Changes the functions of your hormones, genes and cells:
When you fast your insulin levels drop and other beneficial hormones like human growth hormone (HGH)  sky rocket as much as 5 times more. Your cells also start to repair themselves much better.

 

Helps You Burn Fat:
Fasting changes your hormones which helps facilitate weight loss (insulin resistance and increase in HGH) also eating fewer meals will give you more of a chance to consume less calories.

 

Can increase mental ability:
Fasting can increase a hormone called brain derived neurotrophic factor or BDNF. This is like fertilizer for your brain, it helps aid in the process of new brain cells as well as strengthening synapses of existing brain cells.

 

May help prevent caner:
Intermittent fasting has been shown to help prevent cancer in animals, and for humans it can reduce the side effects of chemotherapy.

 

May increase longevity:
Fasting may increase life expectancy because of the hormones brought about from the caloric restriction you are on. The increase in human growth hormone may be responsible for this longevity.

 

Aug 26th

From: News Biscuit

By Colin L

Hackers expose names of thousands seeking fling with Labour

The Labour Party’s leadership contest has been suspended today after hactivists exposed the names of thousands of people interested in having a dalliance with the party, despite already being in long-term relationships with other parties, with many paying as much as £3 to engage in sordid acts of party reform.

The leaked data revealed one applicant was ‘seeking a sassy leader who knows what they want and how to get it’, while another declared they were looking for ‘no-votes-attached, unbridled debate, whenever, wherever’, then goes on to list their favourite positions on Austerity.

One new member admitted: ‘I was a Tory voter for 30 years. Things inevitably became routine and I felt myself craving something more dangerous. Then I found the Labour Party’s site and thought ‘why not? It’ll never come to anything.’ At first, it was the deceit which made it exciting; keeping it a secret from friends, browsing the site looking at leadership candidates.

They continued: ‘I started lying about the workability of wealth redistribution – it was all part of the fun. My intention was to just have a few nights of heated, passionate debate at seaside hotels during conference season and get out before it became too serious. Then I started moving further and further to the left, and before I knew it I was scrapping Trident.’

The leak has come as a surprise to many who believed the Labour Party was just a scam in which users are directed to premium-rate phone services in which housewives read the 2015 Election Manifesto. Police have issued a statement, saying that: ‘It is well-known that the party targets rich men who wish to flirt with ethics. Under current laws, it is not illegal to support Labour, so we have no choice but to support the rights of the applicants, however reprehensible they may be.’

However, commentators have blamed the party itself, saying a recent leadership campaign ad in which a shirtless, miner’s helmet-wearing Jeremy Corbyn leans over a ballot box, pouts at the camera, and purrs ‘Quantitative Easing is dirty, and you want it’, was ‘asking for trouble’.

Aug 20th

From: News Biscuit

By Colin L

Iain Duncan Smith ‘was a made-up character’

Having admitted to using fake’ stories to support benefit cuts, the Department for Work & Pensions (DWP) has confessed to having fabricated an entire minister. For the last six years a glove puppet called ‘IDS’ has been used as a front for a raft of ridiculous policies, including selling the poor for scrap, burning witches and the bedroom tax.

Claims that Iain Duncan Smith was loosely based on a Dickensian character have been refuted. Yet a Freedom of Information request, by website Welfare Weekly, has revealed that the fake MP was a deliberate composite of Idi Amin and a Brussels sprout. A DWP spokeswoman admitted: ‘Frankly we were surprised that anyone was fooled by this badly drawn pantomime villain, but I guess that’s why people like Simon Cowell.’

The character began life as a pretend candidate in a Conservative party leaflet, then was ‘elected’ as an MP and even had a short but entirely fictional period as party leader, during which time reams of risible policies were put into his mouth for test purposes as the party already knew it had no chance of winning any election in the foreseeable future.

Of course this is not the first time a branch of government has been concocted – indeed, the entire so-called ‘coalition years’ were simply one of Paddy Ashdown’s more vivid ‘cheese dreams’. Fears have grown about the authenticity of other prominent politicians, with questions asked about Boris Johnson’s hair, George Osborne’s soul and the existence of an actual opposition party.

The DWP have said that IDS was only intended for ‘illustrative purposes’, to show what real moron might be like. The fact that he did not exist does not invalidate this exercise, it claimed. The spokeswoman said: ‘We will continue to cut down on bogus claimants and asylum seekers, as soon as we have made some up to cut.’

 

Aug 15th

From: The Daily Currant

By Colin L

 

Greece Celebrates New Bailout With Epic $142 Million Beach Party

 

Jul 21, 2015

 

 

 

 

greece party bailout beachGreece celebrated securing billions in new bailout funds yesterday by throwing an enormous $142 million public beach party outside Athens.

 

According to local reports an estimated 430,000 people attended the massive all-day event, which the Greek government organized to "relieve national stress" caused by protracted bailout negotiations with the EU and IMF.

 

Rapper Kanye West was paid $2 million to host the extravaganza, which also featured performances by Madonna, 50 Cent, The Rolling Stones, Lady Gaga, P. Diddy, Snoop Dogg, One Direction, Beyoncé, Ariana Grande, Drake, Taylor Swift, and Katy Perry.

 

The festivities were catered by Michelin-starred chef Thomas Keller, who was flown in on a private jet from San Francisco to oversee the menu. No expense was spared in feeding the nearly half-million partygoers gathered on the sparkinlg shores of the Mediterranean.

 

"The foie gras was amazing," says Alexander Antoni, an unemployed bricklayer from Rhodes, "But I think my favorite dish was the truffle-scented lobster. I had four plates. I couldn't help myself, it was so delicious."

 

Gourmet food wasn't the only indulgence on offer. Free cigarettes, alcohol and even packages of pre-rolled marijuana joints were also available to the revelers.

 

The quality of the cannabis impressed even Snoop Dogg, who while onstage performing his latest album took time out to thank "Germany and Angela Merkel" for providing "some dank ass weed."

 

The night was capped off with a $18 million dollar fireworks and laser show, which the Guinness Book of World Records has certified as the largest of its kind ever.

 

The lavish party has attracted criticism from some prudish elements of the German newsmedia, who question if such an event is a prudent use of European taxpayer money. However, Prime Minister Alexis Tsipras was quick to dismiss such concerns.

 

"When you look at the size of our debt, $142 million really isn't that much money," he told a local newspaper, "Besides, we purchased over $10 million worth of the finest wines from France, Germany, Italy and Spain. This isn't just a party. We're stimulating the entire European economy."

 

The Greek government is also considering hiring a German waste management firm to help clean up the mess left behind.

Aug 14th

From: The Daily Mash

By Colin L

 

Campaign to make pubs unbearable continues

14-08-15

barempty

BRITAIN’S public houses will be functionally unbearable by 2018, it has been revealed.

Amid plans to ban smoking in the same postcode as pubs, many patrons have admitted defeat and vowed to convert their children’s bedroom into a boisterous tavern.

Drinker Wayne Hayes said: “I can’t smoke in my local boozer and thanks to aggressive taxation and the rise of ‘craft beer’ I can’t drink there any more, either. The kids can go to bed at midnight after I’ve called last orders and cleaned the ashtrays.

“It’s like I’ve been very, very slowly barred from my pub by the process of making it even more unbearable than spending the night at home.”

Calls for the ban came after a woman in Carlisle caught the faint, delicious whiff of a Marlboro Light whilst devouring a roast dinner in a beer garden last Sunday.

Nikki Hollis, a nightmare, said: “If you don’t mind, I’m trying to eat a 2,000-calorie meal the size of a Somalian while washing it down with enough Pinot Grigio to float a canoe. These wisps of smoke could kill me.”

Hayes added: “I assume pubs will still be allowed to fill their beer gardens with braying, obnoxious dimwits?”

Aug 12th

From: The Daily Mash

By Colin L

Scientists baffled by job that isn’t soul-destroying

12-08-15

manbike425

SCIENTISTS are puzzled by a man whose job is both fairly paid and does not fill him with dread every morning.

43-year-old Tom Logan has confounded experts by having full-time employment that is not fundamentally total BS.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “We believed that the non-BS job was made obsolete in 1968, but Tom seems perfectly happy and even whistles while preparing his sandwiches.

“Meanwhile we are working to find out exactly what he does, but it involves leaving the house on his bike at 8.45am. Possibly it’s gardening, but maybe with a bit of science stuff thrown in to keep it interesting.”

All aspects of Logan’s unique life are being analysed, including him not being massively in debt or consumed by feelings of wasting his life.

He said: “Tom gets a fair wage instead of a subsistence income topped up by the state. In addition, his manager Ken is a normal, decent person who does not get a pathetic ego trip from constantly giving his underlings pointless tasks.

“The strangest thing is that Tom can afford a modest mortgage, when really he should be struggling to rent a box room in a house full of disappointed strangers.

“If we can work out why Tom leads such a charmed existence we may be able to replicate it in the wider world. I emphasise ‘may’ because it’s probably a weird anomaly, like a two-headed snail or one of those carrots that looks like a person.”

* Spot the euphemisms...... :)

Aug 7th

From: News Thump

By Colin L
Aug 7th

From: The Daily Mash

By Colin L

 

Obesity ‘can cause sanctimonious, idiotic advice’

06-08-15

fatandthin

BEING overweight can lead to bad advice from idiots who are suddenly experts on diet and exercise.

Researchers found that obesity causes 82 per cent of thin people to start giving sanctimonious, ill-informed instructions in a weirdly angry way.

Professor Henry Brubaker, from the Institute for Studies, said: “Obese people make others feel irrationally superior, as though being thin is an amazing achievement, like becoming an astronaut.

“The thin people will immediately offer incredibly bad and potentially dangerous advice such as only eating hard-boiled eggs, cutting out soup from your diet, or eating nothing but soup.

“They may also reveal that jogging leaves you in a wheelchair and the best sport for weight loss is golf.”

He added: “The advice is given in a pious way that also implies the obese person is a weak-willed cake-pig who’s trying to bankrupt the NHS.”

Office worker Tom Logan said: “I’m particularly grateful to my colleague Helen for constantly reminding me it’s just a matter of willpower, despite being a lazy moo who goes out for a cigarette 15 times a day.”

Jul 22nd

From: News Biscuit

By Colin L

‘Jeremy Hunt shouldn’t work any days at all’, say doctors

National Self ServiceThe British Medical Association warned today that standards of patient care were being put at risk by Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt repeatedly travelling to his office and making fumbling attempts at doing his job. ‘It puts an intolerable strain on the Health Service,’ said one doctor who was too tired to remember his own name. ‘Every day there’s some stupid new idea, aimed only at placating the Daily Mail, that makes our jobs harder’.

He continued: ‘One day he sacks health service managers on the pretext of cutting down waste, the next he complains that doctors spend too much time on the admin the managers used to do. It’s absurd. Could he at least not work weekends? Then there’d be a couple of days we could get something done. Just a suggestion.’

The campaign to reduce, or preferably eliminate, Mr Hunt’s working hours is currently trending on social media, with the hashtags #juststayinbedjeremy and #dontmissjezzajezza. Meanwhile, sources within the Department of Health expressed concerns over whether Mr Hunt’s qualifications for the job were even genuine.

‘They come over ‘ere from the Department of Culture, Media and Sport,’ said one Whitehall insider, enjoying a sherry in the Reform Club after work. ‘I mean, ‘e reckons ‘e was a minister over there, but ‘ow we sposed ter check? They ain’t even got phones there, ‘ave they? I reckon e’s ‘avin’ a larf’.

Jul 19th

From: News Thump

By Colin L

The answer to any question in a Daily Mail headline is ‘No’, finds study


Daily Mail question answer is 'no'

The answer to any question posed by a Daily Mail headline is ‘no’, according to a study published today.

 

Questions like ‘Does coffee cause cancer?’, ‘Does this shocking dress go too far?’ and ‘Should you be getting pregnant right away?’ Are consistently answerable in the negative, the study found.

 

Researchers scoured decades of archives looking for headline questions which could conceivably get a positive answer but ultimately forced to admit defeat.

 

“Look at yesterday’s issue”, we were told, even though we’d rather not look directly at anything published by the Daily Mail.

 

“Questions like ‘Did flu jab give sleeping sickness?'”

 

“No. No, it didn’t.”

 

“‘Is the Loch Ness monster a giant catfish?'”

 

“No. No it isn’t.”

 

“Will Aga’s new owners wreck our favourite oven?”

 

“No. No it won’t.”

 

“Whatever the question the pattern is completely consistent across topics as diverse as health, science, economics, society and fashion.”

 

“No, no, no, no, no, no, and no”

 

The team eventually concluded that no question ever published in the Mail could be answered with a ‘yes’, which they described as a ‘remarkable achievement’.

The researchers now intend to study the Guardian newspaper for conte

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