Jul 22nd

From: News Biscuit

By Colin L

‘Jeremy Hunt shouldn’t work any days at all’, say doctors

National Self ServiceThe British Medical Association warned today that standards of patient care were being put at risk by Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt repeatedly travelling to his office and making fumbling attempts at doing his job. ‘It puts an intolerable strain on the Health Service,’ said one doctor who was too tired to remember his own name. ‘Every day there’s some stupid new idea, aimed only at placating the Daily Mail, that makes our jobs harder’.

He continued: ‘One day he sacks health service managers on the pretext of cutting down waste, the next he complains that doctors spend too much time on the admin the managers used to do. It’s absurd. Could he at least not work weekends? Then there’d be a couple of days we could get something done. Just a suggestion.’

The campaign to reduce, or preferably eliminate, Mr Hunt’s working hours is currently trending on social media, with the hashtags #juststayinbedjeremy and #dontmissjezzajezza. Meanwhile, sources within the Department of Health expressed concerns over whether Mr Hunt’s qualifications for the job were even genuine.

‘They come over ‘ere from the Department of Culture, Media and Sport,’ said one Whitehall insider, enjoying a sherry in the Reform Club after work. ‘I mean, ‘e reckons ‘e was a minister over there, but ‘ow we sposed ter check? They ain’t even got phones there, ‘ave they? I reckon e’s ‘avin’ a larf’.

Jul 19th

From: News Thump

By Colin L

The answer to any question in a Daily Mail headline is ‘No’, finds study

Daily Mail question answer is 'no'

The answer to any question posed by a Daily Mail headline is ‘no’, according to a study published today.


Questions like ‘Does coffee cause cancer?’, ‘Does this shocking dress go too far?’ and ‘Should you be getting pregnant right away?’ Are consistently answerable in the negative, the study found.


Researchers scoured decades of archives looking for headline questions which could conceivably get a positive answer but ultimately forced to admit defeat.


“Look at yesterday’s issue”, we were told, even though we’d rather not look directly at anything published by the Daily Mail.


“Questions like ‘Did flu jab give sleeping sickness?'”


“No. No, it didn’t.”


“‘Is the Loch Ness monster a giant catfish?'”


“No. No it isn’t.”


“Will Aga’s new owners wreck our favourite oven?”


“No. No it won’t.”


“Whatever the question the pattern is completely consistent across topics as diverse as health, science, economics, society and fashion.”


“No, no, no, no, no, no, and no”


The team eventually concluded that no question ever published in the Mail could be answered with a ‘yes’, which they described as a ‘remarkable achievement’.

The researchers now intend to study the Guardian newspaper for conte

Jul 18th

From: News Biscuit

By Colin L

Alan Sugar ‘intake’ should be halved

Scientists have recommended cutting our media exposure to millionaires with their own reality TV show and love affair with an under-performing football team. Advisers on nutrition say that by exceeding our 5% of daily televisual Sugar, budding entrepreneurs will believe success comes with no overheads, no VAT and a ‘blagged’ interview with Claude Littner.

‘The Apprentice’ is giving such an unrealistic view of the world of business, that scientists predict by 2020 all Keynesian economic theory will be replaced by Stuart Baggs ‘the brand’. One episode alone contains nine teaspoons of Sugar in relation to each steaming dollop of ‘supply/demand BS’. So delusional have viewers become that they are more likely to accept that big retail buyers regularly meet with small time chancers, than believe in the tooth fairy.

Margins quoted in the boardroom are now so fanciful that Greece is hoping to base their bail-out proposal on the same model. A BBC representative confirmed: ‘Lord Sugar has made us confuse ‘fat cats’ with those who are simply clinically obese and morbidly stupid. And sadly, Dara Ó Briain has already withdrawn from ‘The Apprentice: You’re Fired!’ having developed type 2 career-complacency’.

A high-Sugar diet is almost as damaging as a high-fibre evening spent with Richard Branson. Health campaigners say programmes need clearer labelling of Sugar content, or at least a photograph of a ‘hirsute raisin’ as a warning. Ultimately, scientists suggest that the public would do better to stick to a diet of vegetables – or ‘The Dragon’s Den’ as they are called.

Jul 15th

From: News Thump

By Colin L

Four fingers of fudge now required to give average British kid a treat

Finger of fudge is just enough

Today’s entitled and mostly fat generation of 7-10 year-olds need four times as many fingers of fudge than their parents did to feel satiated.

Studies found that one finger was met with disdain by 37% of modern children, with the remaining 63% not even glancing up from their iPads.

Most kids now require four fingers.

“It was inevitable,” said researcher Simon Williams.

“Today’s average child has a mobile phone, a games console and a gut that would make John Goodman recoil. If you want to impress them, you’d better break out the selection box.”

“Whereas their parents would play with a breeze block and a stick, and if a morsel of chocolate was offered they would seize it with both hands amidst tears of joy, before going back to work at the mine.”

“That’s what I tell my kids anyway. I actually just watched Top Cat quite a lot.”

Another survey found that 21% of parents have now thrown pretence to the wind and simply shower their children with slabs of Dairy Milk until they finally stop whining.

“Sometimes it’s the only way” said put-upon mother, Eleanor Shaw, emptying another sack of confectionery at her beast of a 7 year-old’s feet.

“Diabetes is a price worth paying for some peace and * quiet.”

It is thought that if entitlement and greed continue along current trends, the world’s cocoa supplies will run dry in the next 42 years- which also happens to be the life expectancy of today’s tubby ten year-olds.

Jul 12th


By Phyl G

Scientists have recently discovered a way to lower your blood pressure, increase your heart health, improve depression symptoms, assist your immune system, reduce stress, induce sleep, invigorate the body and rejuvenate the mind.

Sounds like some sort of huge medical breakthrough, except this is completely free, has no adverse side effects, is calorie free, caffeine free, and gluten free, and is widely available already.

Yes, a hug, the simple hug, a circle of joy started by two arms of love, is this medical miracle.




Jul 2nd

From: News Thump

By Colin L

Hundreds blinded by sunlight reflecting off pasty white English bodies

pasty white english bodies

Hundreds of people have been struck blind by bright sunlight reflecting off the pasty white bodies of British people with their shirts off, Doctors have claimed today.

Medical authorities have issued a warning not to look directly at the pallid, reflective surface of other people’s bodies as the risks to eyesight are the same as staring straight into the sun.

Reports also indicate that the reflected dazzle of thousands of topless Britons on Blackpool beach yesterday was visible from the International Space Station.

“British bodies simply aren’t supposed to be exposed to direct sunlight like this”, a spokesman for the British Medical Journal told us.

“Many men have spent years carefully cultivating large, pasty moobs in almost total darkness , and their reflective capacity when exposed to sunlight is, frankly, terrifying.”

“If you must look at someone who is flashing the guns for the first time in years, make sure you do it through a pinhole in a sheet of paper or through welders goggles to protect your eyes.”

The spokesman went on to “Thank God” that the fashion for muffin tops has passed or the consequences in strong sunlight might have been catastrophic.

Victims of what is being termed ‘moob-blindness’ are also having to receive therapy due to the horror of the last thing they will ever see being a half-naked person whose primary diet is cans of Carling.

Meanwhile Iain McLeish of Largs has been declared a traffic hazard after taking his shirt off in the garden for the first time since 1978.

Jul 1st

From: News Thump

By Colin L

Confusing sun cream labels being used to ‘kill off morons’

Sun cream confusing

The needlessly confusing labels on bottles of sun lotion are a covert way of reducing the population and improving the gene pool, it has been confirmed.

As it was revealed that the “SPF” factor only refers to half of the damage that the sun could do to your fat face, sun cream executives were forced to admit that they were part of a hideous plot.

“Very clever of you, very clever indeed” said Norman Felch, CEO of Mostly-For-Show Sun Lotions, while clapping his hands slowly and stroking a big, white, fluffy cat.

“We thought that if we put a big label on the sun lotion saying “SPF 50” then you would all blindly obey; and most of you did, God rest your souls.”

“But now it seems some of you have worked out that you also need to check the star rating for UVA rays, the pie chart for UVZ rays, and the venn diagram for rays TBC.”

“Now we will have to curb the population some other way, we may even have to go back to making ‘healthy’ smoothies.”

Members of the public have been shocked and baffled by the news.

“I’m shocked and baffled” confirmed Frederick Grant, a dangerously pale man from Somerset.

“Surely that massive number on the front of the bottle should cover EVERYTHING, not just certain bits of that massive ball of fire that’s definitely trying to kill me.”

“That’s like buying a front door that keeps out 30% of my ex-wives. It’s just not good enough.”

“Sod it. I’m just going to take Billy Connolly’s advice and go to the beach in a welder’s suit and a diver’s helmet.”

Jun 30th

Met Office issue a level 2 heatwave alert

By Mary B

There is an 80 % probability of heatwave conditions between 1200 on Tuesday and 0600 on Thursday in parts of England.

What should you do?

Mostly, it’s a matter of common sense. Listen to your local weather forecast so you know if a heatwave is on the way. Plan ahead to reduce the risk of ill health from the heat.

Who is most at risk?

The heat can affect anyone, but some people run a greater risk of serious harm. These include:

• older people, especially those over 75

• babies and young children

• people with serious mental health problems

• people on certain medication

• people with a serious chronic condition, particularly breathing or heart problems

• people who already have a high temperature from an infection

• people who misuse alcohol or take illicit drugs

• people with mobility problems

• people who are physically active, like manual workers and athletes


Top tips for keeping cool

It is best for your health to avoid getting too hot in the first place. Remember to think of those who may be more at risk from the effects of heat. Below are some tips to keep yourself and others cool and what to do if someone feels unwell:

Stay out of the heat:

• keep out of the sun between 11am and 3pm

• if you have to go out in the heat, walk in the shade, apply sunscreen and wear a hat and light scarf

• avoid extreme physical exertion. If you can’t avoid strenuous outdoor activity, like sport, DIY or gardening, keep it for cooler parts of the day, like early morning or evening

• wear light, loose-fitting cotton clothes

Cool yourself down:

• have plenty of cold drinks, and avoid excess alcohol, caffeine and hot drinks

• eat cold foods, particularly salads and fruit with a high water content

• take a cool shower, bath or body wash

• sprinkle water over the skin or clothing, or keep a damp cloth on the back of your neck

Keep your environment cool:

• keeping your living space cool is especially important for infants, the elderly or those with chronic health conditions or those who can’t look after themselves

• keep windows that are exposed to the sun closed during the day, and open windows at night when the temperature has dropped

• close curtains that receive morning or afternoon sun, however, care should be taken with metal blinds and dark curtains, as these can absorb heat – consider replacing or putting reflective material in-between them and the window space

• place a thermometer in your main living room and bedroom to keep a check on the temperature

• turn off non-essential lights and electrical equipment – they generate heat

• keep indoor plants and bowls of water in the house as evaporation helps cool the air

• if possible, move into a cooler room, especially for sleeping

• electric fans may provide some relief, if temperatures are below 35°C – at temperatures above 35°C fans may not prevent heat related illness and may cause dehydration; the advice is not to aim the fan directly on the body and to have regular drinks - this is especially important in the case of sick people confined to bed

If you, or somebody you know, find your home to be uncomfortably hot and you have concerns about it affecting yours or someone else’s health, seek medical advice about the person, and seek advice from the environmental health department within your local authority about the home.


If you or others feel unwell:

• try to get help if you feel dizzy, weak, anxious or have intense thirst and headache; move to a cool place as soon as possible and measure your body temperature

• drink some water or fruit juice to rehydrate

• rest immediately in a cool place if you have painful muscular cramps (particularly in the

legs, arms or abdomen, in many cases after sustained exercise during very hot weather), and drink oral rehydration solutions containing electrolytes

• medical attention is needed if heat cramps last more than one hour

• consult your doctor if you feel unusual symptoms or if symptoms persist


Seek advice if you have any concerns:

• contact your doctor, a pharmacist or NHS 111 if you are worried about your health during a heatwave, especially if you are taking medication, if you feel unwell or have any unusual symptoms

• watch for cramp in your arms, legs or stomach, feelings of mild confusion, weakness or problems sleeping

• if you have these symptoms, rest for several hours, keep cool and drink water or fruit juice.


Seek medical advice if they get worse or don’t go away


If you suspect someone has heatstroke:

Remember, heatstroke can kill. It can develop very suddenly, and rapidly lead to

unconsciousness. If you suspect someone has heatstroke, call 999 immediately.


While waiting for the ambulance

• if possible, move the person somewhere cooler

• increase ventilation by opening windows or using a fan

• cool them down as quickly as possibly by loosening their clothes, sprinkling them with cold water or wrapping them in a damp sheet

• if they are conscious, give them water or fruit juice to drink

• do not give them aspirin or paracetamol


For More Information

• check the weather forecast and any high temperature health warnings at:


• for further information about how to protect your health during a heatwave visit NHS Choices at www.nhs.uk/summerhealth

• advice on ways to minimise ultraviolet ray induced skin and eye damage can be found on NHS Choices website at: www.nhs.uk/Livewell/skin/Pages/Sunsafe.aspx

• heatwaves may worsen air pollution. If you would like more information about air pollution in the UK or health advice to those who may be particularly sensitive to air pollution there is an automated freephone recorded information service run by Defra on 0800 55 66 77, or Defra website http://uk-air.defra.gov.uk/

Jun 24th

From: The Spoof

By Colin L

Written by StubbornGorillaRating:
Tuesday, 23 June 2015
image for Climate Change Deniers Deny Denying the Existence of Climate Change
The winds of change will certainly follow the money

After a non stop barrage of natural disasters has made climate change deniers look like ninnies, several high profile culprits have started changing their tunes. Although, not everyone is ready to completely commit to the problem.

Jim DeMint, President of The Heritage Foundation stated that, "My winter home burned to the ground because of the drought in California, and my summer home in Texas just got washed away in all the flooding. The escalation of dangerous weather around the country has had some very direct consequences on me. If my organization wasn't reliant on funding from a major energy company I would be inclined to admit that something is going on with the weather, but I'm not sure I would 100% state that climate change is real."

Oklahoma Senator, Jame Inhofe stated that he started giving climate change more consideration after, "My mansion was flooded with water instead of campaign money this year, and I need to reverse those two flows." The Senator went on to elaborate, "with many of my constituents being directly effected by weather it is getting harder and harder to convince them that I am right, and that people are just exaggerating the effects of "a little water in the basement.""

After several embarrassing instances where his legendary comb over was exposed by extreme weather, Donald Trump was quoted as saying, "I never believed in any of this climate nonsense until my mousse could no longer brave the elements. That stuff is almost made of cement, and if the wind is blowing bad enough to move it, something is definitely going on!"

Retired atmospheric physicist, Richard Lindzen has recently stated, "Now that I'm no longer receiving grant money from anybody I can say whatever I want."

The retired professor was asked what his current opinion on all of the crazy weather events happening in the United States, "Well the truth of the matter is..."

The professor interrupted the interview by answering his ringing phone, "Yes? Yes I am, can you call me back? Oh, I was just going to say... How much? OK."

Professor Lindzen hung up his phone and continued, "Sorry about that. I was just about to say that my opinion on climate change is the same as it has always been."

Marco Rubio, the Florida Senator who is famous for declaring himself "not a scientist" was asked if he had changed his opinion on the subject at all, "Of course I have. There is a large portion of the electorate that believes something is going on, and I, for one, would love to convince those constituents that I think like they do. Did I mention that I'm running for President?"

Jun 23rd

From: The Spoof

By Colin L
Recycled Waste Water Solves Drought Problem


Sunday, 21 June 2015

California Governor Jerry Brown ended the state of emergency conditions caused by the long drought that has ravaged the Golden State for years. Mr. Brown took credit for assembling a team of top tier scientists from Stanford and Berkeley who developed a new technology that will finally solve the vexing problem once and for all.

The innovative solution involves channeling the collective waste water from households and using it for the sole purpose of drinking. The sophisticated scientific process has the additional benefit of eliminating overpopulation while boosting record profits for hospitals, pharmacies, and mortuaries.

Public reaction to the plan has thus far been positive. Californians are proud of their reputation for having the cleanest waste water in the nation, and they look forward to drinking urine as long as it is appropriately labeled as beer.

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