May 16th

From: The Daily Mash

By Colin L

NHS gone

15-05-15

wheelchair 425x265

BRITAIN has woken up to find the National Health Service replaced by signs promising that an exciting new health provider is coming soon.

Across the UK, hospitals, clinics and doctors have been removed overnight leaving only hoardings showing airbrushed images of fantastic healthcare being given to pretty people.

Francesca Johnson, standing outside the razor-wire fenced 74-acres of waste ground that used to be the Royal Surrey County Hospital, said: “It’s all very well that 21st century healthcare solutions are coming soon to this space, but my baby’s due next week.

“Though it has solved the problems with parking.”

Health secretary Jeremy Hunt said: “The National Health Service is in perfectly safe hands with the Conservatives, but I’m not telling you where it is.

“Unfortunately we found that across the country the NHS was under assault by the British public, who were draining its resources, exhausting its staff and even dying on its premises, leaving it in an absolutely terrible state.

“Consequently we have taken the difficult decision to remove the NHS from the British Isles until further notice.

“We apologise for any inconvenience this might cause over the next few years, but if you do find you need urgent surgery call 111 and automated voice menus will guide you through the necessary steps.”

Anyone with friends or loved ones staying in hospital has received a letter promising that they, or friends and loved ones of equivalent value, will be returned to them by 2018 at the latest.

May 15th

My Heart Health Journey

By Christine B

It seems like a "lifetime" away now, since I had my heart attack in November 2013, but I remember it well!

Sitting in our lounge, watching "Prime Ministers Question Time" (I still blame that programme and will no longer watch it!!), when I became aware of a niggling indigestion type pain.

Long story cut short - it weren't indigestion, and 30 minutes later found myself on an operating table, having my tubes cleaned like dynorod, and with a brand new stent.

I was lucky - my coronary arteries were 100% blocked, but thanks to the medical team, I'm still here.

Amazed that I was allowed home on the 3rd day, I then started on rehabilitation - slowly at first - brisk walks, gradually lengthening each week.  Then cardiac rehab classes under the watchful eye of the hospital physiotherapists.

I passed the cardiac rehab course after 5 weeks, then it was left open to us to continue exercise.  I could have done it by myself, and saved some money, but I decided to join the local specialised cardiac class near me.

It was a struggle at first - 5 minutes of warm up exercises were not a problem - then followed by 30 minutes or so of circuit training - step ups, press ups, static cycling, rowing machine - I could go on and on...

Fast forward - last May I was deemed fit enough to undertake a sponsored walk for "The Sussex Heart Charity" - a fabulous organisation that has raised thousands upon thousands of pounds, which is nearly all ploughed back into the cardiac services at the hospitals and in local communities (they have been providing automatic defibrillators and the training to use them all over the County, completely free of charge).  I raised about £250 last year doing this 5 mile walk, not sure whether I'd be able to make it, but I did - in one hour 45 minutes.

Last September, I did another sponsored walk, to raise funds for a local girl with cerebral palsy who badly needed a special electric chair.  The walk was 10K, and challenging as there were lots of coastal hills to climb.  As well as having a period when I had to stop as I was pushing my heart a bit too much, I was also suffering excrutiating sciatica, but it was worth it - I raised £330 for Leisha, and the look on her face just before Christmas when she was presented with her £21,000 chair was worth every bit of pain.

I've now come full circle, having last Sunday completed my 2nd sponsored walk for "The Sussex Heart Charity" - I've not pressed the sponsorship so much this year as I know people are reluctant..... so £170 is not too bad - plus, the big bonus - I FEEL SO GOOD!!

In a way, I am thankful for my early "wake up call", and would advise everyone to take heart, take care of themselves - a good diet and plenty of regular gentle exercise goes a long way!

 

May 15th

From: The Daily Mash

By Colin L

Men’s Health magazine finally puts a gorilla on the cover

14-05-15

gorill425

MUSCLE-BASED periodical Men’s Health has unveiled its first ever cover gorilla.

The magazine’s May edition features silverback gorilla Akoo explaining the jungle exercise routine that gave him bulging arms and huge slab-like pectoral muscles.

Akoo said: “Akoo do pull ups from the big tree, three sets of twenty. This good for bicep and tricep, make big.

“After this, press ups for chest, many as Akoo can manage.”

“Then Akoo hungry, go eat.

“Akoo like eat, this good.”

In the cover feature, Akoo explains that he stays fit to defend his community from hunters and also because it gives him more confidence in meetings.

However Akoo is not concerned about having a six-pack: “In jungle big belly is okay, upper body main priority.

“Akoo focus on chest, do bench press with heavy rock, then go jungle chain pub, get female.”

May 14th

From: The New Yorker

By Colin L

 

Scientists: Earth Endangered by New Strain of Fact-Resistant Humans

 

By Andy Borowitz

 

Credit PHOTOGRAPH BY NASA EO/REX/FEATURES VIA AP

 

MINNEAPOLIS (The Borowitz Report) – Scientists have discovered a powerful new strain of fact-resistant humans who are threatening the ability of Earth to sustain life, a sobering new study reports.

 

The research, conducted by the University of Minnesota, identifies a virulent strain of humans who are virtually immune to any form of verifiable knowledge, leaving scientists at a loss as to how to combat them.

 

“These humans appear to have all the faculties necessary to receive and process information,” Davis Logsdon, one of the scientists who contributed to the study, said. “And yet, somehow, they have developed defenses that, for all intents and purposes, have rendered those faculties totally inactive.”

 

More worryingly, Logsdon said, “As facts have multiplied, their defenses against those facts have only grown more powerful.”

 

While scientists have no clear understanding of the mechanisms that prevent the fact-resistant humans from absorbing data, they theorize that the strain may have developed the ability to intercept and discard information en route from the auditory nerve to the brain. “The normal functions of human consciousness have been completely nullified,” Logsdon said.

 

While reaffirming the gloomy assessments of the study, Logsdon held out hope that the threat of fact-resistant humans could be mitigated in the future. “Our research is very preliminary, but it’s possible that they will become more receptive to facts once they are in an environment without food, water, or oxygen,” he said.

 

May 9th

We need your votes! - calling all members in Kent

By Mary B

Posted on behalf of Sevenoaks Area Mind

 

Aviva Community Fund

The Aviva Community Fund offers you the chance to secure funding for an important cause in your community. We have been entered in the competition, and if we can secure enough votes from friends, family and supporters in our community we could be entered into the Finals, where a judging panel will make awards of up to £25,000!

One of our clients has entered us in the competition. She says:

 

"I have benefitted greatly from the services at Sevenoaks Area Mind, I am proud to be associated with this charity and its good work. This project has helped many people in desperate need, and help society broaden its views of mental illness. The staff are committed to what they do."

To vote please go to https://community-fund.aviva.co.uk/voting/project/view/1435/


Thank you!

 

Apr 15th

Results of MRI scan!

By Ann R

I know that some of you realise that I have been suffering with back problems for months now and that I went for a MRI scan last week.

Went to the doctor this morning and it seems that I was right about when I fell on the escalator a couple of years ago, I did fracture part of my spine, no wonder I was in such agony back then.  The casualty department in Stevenage and the one in Hereford told me I had pulled a muscle and even when I went to see the doctor she said the same! Anyway, I have mild spinal stenosis, She is going to arrange for me to have a Dexa scan just to make sure that the fractures have not caused osteoporosis. I am just so glad that it was nothing serious.

I must admit that I was getting concerned about things but she has assured me that I will gradually get better, even though I will have to be careful

Now I am off to the opticians!  It is like a MOT week at the moment laughing
 
Mar 31st

From: The Spoof

By Colin L

 
 
Written by NotGod
Rating:

Topics: Medical, parenting, ADHD

Sunday, 29 March 2015

After rigorous studies at Columbian University, scholars have determined that most Americans need the drug Itsinurhedicone, or more commonly known to consumers as "Normal."

Although the mind altering drug is frowned upon by many moralists, Doctors have given the OK to continue with patient testing. When asked about the drug, one of the Co-Founders of the drug, who wishes to remain anonymous says:

"A lot of people don't realize that they need Normal. Do you commonly surf the Web? You need normal. Do you look into the fridge and not get anything? Normal can cure that too."

Despite the controversy, some parents claim that their kids need normal. One parent, Jane Anderson said:

"Before my two year old was on the drug, she told me that a Septagon was a Decagon. Immediately, I put her on the drug. Do you know how hard it is to get your child into Baby Harvard?"

Other parents claim that it makes your kid like a zombie, like this Republican Parent:

"He was running at me. I didn't want to shoot my own kid, but it's a rough world out there. I wish I didn't do it!"

Others think that there's a natural remedy to behavioral diseases, a herb called Parenting.

 
Mar 16th

Getting Through Aches, Pains and Strains. What Is Available to Help?

By Mary B

Pain isn’t just irritating. It doesn’t just hurt. It’s also a setback. When you’re in pain, day to day life becomes more difficult.

An athlete that suffers an injury can lose out on months of training and might have to watch their fitness and stamina deteriorate, but even if you’re not training for a marathon you’ll notice that aches, strains and pains can have a big impact on your routine and on your life.

Most of the time, aches and pains aren’t permanent. Until you’ve recovered, here are a few things that are available to help:

Comfortable Furnishings

Uncomfortable furniture can aggravate an existing condition, or can be the cause of a new ache or pain. It can take time to find a suitable ergonomic chair, or the right mattress for your bed, but a little effort can result in a big reward.

Find furniture that is supportive and that moves in all of the right places. If you work at a desk, make sure that your chair is set at the right height and that your monitor is placed in the correct position. If you spend your days at home, make a point of ensuring that your home furnishings are comfortable.

Pay close attention to your posture. Now that laptops and tablet computers are widely used, more and more of us will lie back and use them in bed, or will slouch on the sofa. Cushions and pillows can be positioned to reduce the strain on your body and you should sit up straight whenever possible.

Bath Steps

If you’re suffering from aches and pains, once simple tasks can just make things hurt more. A soak in the bath is soothing, but getting in and out of your bath might not be as easy as it should be.

Bath steps will help to reduce muscle pains as they can raise you up so that you don’t need to lift your legs as high to get into the bath. With a bath step, you can enjoy a warm and relaxing bath with no added strain. Pick out your favourite bubble bath and lock yourself away for some ‘you time’.

Car Swivel Cushions

Getting in and out of your car can strain your back, or can aggravate an existing condition. Car swivel cushions can make this daily task easier. These cushions twist with your body, so that you can easily enter and exit your car simply by sitting down facing outwards and twisting with the cushion into a forward-facing position, then doing the reverse when it’s time to get out of your vehicle.

Massagers, Heat Packs and Cooling Packs

When we’re in pain, relaxing can be the best form of pain relief. Tense muscles can simply make things worse. Heat and cooling packs can be used to reduce pain and to soothe aching muscles, whilst massagers have been designed for all parts of the body from the head down to the feet. Some massagers can be used by someone on their own, whilst others can be used with the help of someone else. You can also buy massage cushions and seat covers, for a relaxing massage whilst you’re watching TV.

If you’re suffering from an ache or pain, pay careful attention to what makes it worse. There are tools available that will reduce the stress that you put on your body, resulting in a faster recovery so that you can get your life back on track rather than suffering for an extended length of time.

This article was written by Andrew Atkinson  managing director of UK ecommerce website Ecuva with a vast product range covering health and well-being making life easier and higher quality. Get in touch with the managing director or visit their website today for more information.

 

This is a guest blog on behalf of Mobilty Smart and Ecuva

 

 

 

Mar 15th

From: News Biscuit.

By Colin L

NHS ‘nearly killed’ Nigel Farage, promises to do better next time

if it weren't for all those foreign nurses, he wouldn't be hereFurther evidence has emerged of public health-care under-funding, as the NHS is failing to meet its target for killing off elderly racists. Doctors were forced to apologise for the oversight and promised to do everything they could to give Jeremy Clarkson a dignified exit.

In extracts from his memoirs, Nigel Farage accused doctors of failing to spot his testicular cancer because of the huge malignant growth already attached to his genitals. Fortunately Mr. Farage’s own opinions proved too carcinogenic even for the tumour. In fact, Mr Farage’s own brand of toxicity can be used to clear up acne, cure rust and get ‘your whites whiter’.

UKIP are already committed to ending what they call ‘health tourism’, as Blackpool is ‘much nicer’ this time of year. They have also promised an extra £3bn per year for the NHS to shorten queues; although one Polish nurse offered: ‘to finish off Mr. Farage right now’.

Mr. Farage pointed out in the Daily Telegraph that had he had access to private medical insurance he would have been killed humanely, without having to deal with exorbitant carpark charges. One Health Official admitted: ‘While A&E waiting times worsen, we need to prioritize those in greatest need of a pillow over their face. Politicians like Nigel Farage deserve to be fast-tracked to an abattoir of their choice. Almost is not good enough’.

Mar 13th

From: The Daily Mash

By Colin L

 

Homeopathy to cure itself

12-03-15

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HOMEOPATHY will have eradicated itself by 2032, it has been confirmed.

Experts believe that the trend for little bottles of water that has been shaken about a bit will gradually decline as people realise it does nothing.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Homeopathy is based on the principle that like cures like, which is actually pretty robust when applied to homeopathy.

“For example if you’ve bought a bottle of liquid with a picture of a flower on it only to find it doesn’t cure your crippling anxiety attacks, you probably won’t bother again.”

However homeopath Emma Bradford disagreed: “Like mumps, homeopathy will adapt and survive.

“For example we could start calling it ‘space water’ or pretend it is the urine of fairies. Or make homeopathic furniture that is desirable because it has been near other, nicer, furniture.

“I’m making this up as I go along, so you see the possibilities are endless.”

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