Apr 5th

From: The Daily Mash

By Colin L


THE secret to becoming immensely wealthy is to not tell anyone about it, according to a new book.

The Four Steps to Getting Rich by Martin Bishop reveals that three of the steps involve hiring a law firm in Panama and then just keeping it a secret.

Step 1: Make a bit of money by gambling on the stockmarket – or just inherit it.

Step 2: Hire a lawyer in Panama, but don’t tell anyone about it.

Step 3: Get the lawyer in Panama to hide all your money.

Step 4: Make sure the lawyer in Panama keeps doing it.

Bishop added: “It is a very short book. And come to think of I probably shouldn’t have just given you the entire contents like that.

“Could you do me a favour and buy it anyway?”

Aug 26th

From: News Thump

By Colin L

Chinese shares plunged due to Labour’s overspending, insists George Osborne

George Osborne on China crash

Share prices have plunged after the Chinese stock market crashed as a direct result of Labour’s mismanagement of the economy seven years ago, the Chancellor claimed today.

“Once again we see the results of the woeful mismanagement of the economy by Labour,” said Mr Osborne whilst lighting a cigar with a fifty pound note.

“Now as then, a worldwide stock market crash is occurring that, despite having its roots in a different country, is as a direct result of Labour’s carefree spending of the country’s reserves on benefits for immigrant lesbians and sweets for Gordon Brown.”

The Labour leadership candidates were quick to leap to the defence of their party’s economic record.

“It’s definitely Jeremy Corbyn’s fault,” read a joint statement from Andy Burnham, Liz Kendall and the other one.

“And if you vote for him then everything will be awful, especially with the economy and that.”

“The problem is that the economic incompetence was so great under Labour that we continue to see the reverberations now, five years on in seemingly unrelated events,” chuckled the Chancellor as he feasted on his favourite swan and diamond Panini.

“In fact, I’d be willing to bet that any economic downturn we see in the future will also be the fault of the previous Labour government.”

Jul 19th

From: News Biscuit

By Colin L


MPs to wear sackcloth and ashes in penance for pay rise

With outrage over their proposed 10% pay rise growing daily, Britain’s MPs have reached a cross-party consensus to wear coarse, ill-fitting sackcloth tunics and cover their heads with ash, in an effort to show due contrition for their £74,000 annual salary.

‘Considering that members of the public would be lucky if they got even a 1% pay rise, it is important for us to assure our constituents that we are receiving our inflation-busting increase with extreme reluctance’ Parliamentary Standards Commissioner Derek Corbright told a packed House today. ‘Publicly debasing ourselves as we pocket our bulging pay packets will go a long way to assuage the anger of those hard-pressed families as they struggle on the breadline without the benefits of a second home or a seat on the board of a multinational corporation.’

While some MPs have pledged to give their bonus to charity in an attempt to placate voters, others have taken to more extreme measures: ‘You should see them practising in the Commons bar,’ said one political insider. ‘All that weeping and moaning; tearing of hair amid much wailing and gnashing of teeth – you’d think it was Kim Jong-Il’s funeral, not pay day!’

Michael Shewbury, Labour MP for Blanchdown South, vowed to fight ‘tooth and nail’ before handing over his account number and sort code to the Salaries Department. ‘I’m standing shoulder to shoulder with the NHS nurses, firemen and supermarket checkout girls,’ he told reporters. ‘That extra six thousand, nine hundred and forty pounds in my wallet will be like six thousand, nine hundred and forty stabs to my heart!’ He was later spotted outside Westminster, sobbing and banging his head on the Cromwell Green entrance before shaking his fist at the sky and yelling ‘damn you the Independent Parliamentary Standards Authority!’

However some observers, like Tory peer Lord Obsdunne, have accused the MPs of going too far in their attempts to atone for the rise. ‘It’s all gone a bit silly hasn’t it? This so-called ‘excessive’ increase is going to be balanced out by a major reform to pensions, resettlement payments and other such perks. Just because the proles can’t appreciate that fact doesn’t mean everyone has to go around looking like the love-child of Bob Geldof and Gandhi for goodness’ sake! Listen, if they’re that desperate to flagellate themselves I know a very good club just off Soho, but I suggest they get their membership sorted now, while they can still claim for it on expenses.’

Jul 8th

From: News Biscuit

By Colin L


Rich ‘keeping their fingers crossed’ on budget

As George Osborne finalises his first budget unencumbered by a coalition cabinet, some of the country’s richest people are nervously awaiting the result after five years of hardship in which they had to move large amounts of their wealth offshore.

‘People have expectations,’ said one millionaire. ‘Ostentatiously parading our wealth isn’t cheap, you know. There’s maybe 2% of the population shouldering the burden of having 99% of the wealth and paying maybe 5% of the total tax bill. That can’t be right.’

Osborne was careful to point out that the budget will benefit ‘all hard working families’ in which every member over the age of five works full-time in multiple jobs. ‘We value diversity, especially if they don’t claim working tax credits,’ he said.

Feb 19th

A Few statistics

By Jane L
17 February 2012
A scenario, from today’s Daily Telegraph should give the Government sleepless nights!!! The Office for National Statistics (ONS) said that of the 17.5 years that a typical man spends in retirement, only ten of these are “healthy” years.

For a woman, just 11.5 of the 20 years she spends in retirement are healthy. This means that every pensioner spends almost a decade with fading health, heaping pressure on already-stretched NHS resources. Currently one in six people in Britain is over 65 increasing to almost one in four by 2051. On top of this, the ONS said that people are living for longer.
Life expectancy for a man will rise to just over 90 by 2051, from around 86 today.
For a woman, life expectancy will hit over 93 by 2051, up from 89 now. Between 2004 and 2010 the average age at which men retired rose from 63.8 years-old to 64.6 years-old. For women, it rose from 61.2 to 62.3 over that period. Recent research found that 40,000 people this year alone will delay their planned retirement because they can not afford the cost of retiring, including the cost of care in later life which will continue to rise by around 2.5 years every decade. With the state pension age increasing in the coming years, it will not rise at the same speed, as life expectancy.
© DropBy 2010-2018