Aug 23rd

From: News Biscuit

By Colin L

Non-queueing licence renewed for BMW drivers

The Department of Transport has confirmed that BMW drivers will continue to be exempt from queueing at roadworks for a further year. ‘We try to give a good half mile notice of lane closures so that non-BMWs can get out of the way, enabling BMWs to get straight to the bottleneck without waiting,’ a spokesman explained.

‘There have been some regrettable incidents involving non-qualifying vehicles occupying this lane, including some idiotic drivers who have blocked it completely, forcing BMWs to drive at the same speed as ordinary traffic. We will penalise anybody caught behaving in this manner’.

The BMW Owners’ Club has given the news a cautious welcome, but criticised the Department for refusing to let BMW drivers use blue flashing lights en route to major meetings.

Aug 19th

From: The Daily Mash

By Colin L

Everyone has a relative who 'can get you any car'

18-08-15

mancar425

ALL Britons have a male relative who can get them any second-hand car, it has emerged.

Researchers at the Institute for Studies found that all families include at least one ‘car-getter’, who is usually called ‘Uncle Steve’ or ‘Roy’s cousin Pete’.

Teacher Stephen Malley said: “I got my last car off my dad’s cousin, who pops up bi-annually at family barbecues and always mentions that he can get you any car you like, right down to choosing the year and the colour.

“It’s not clear where the cars come from, it’s some sort of auction. I’m fairly sure it’s legitimate, or at least semi-legitimate.”

Post office work Mary Fisher said: “Come to think of it, we always get our used cars off Roy’s cousin Pete.

“Every two years he just turns up at the door with a blue hatchback and asks if we want to buy it, but says it’s no problem if we don’t. He never specifically asks for payment in cash but it is an unspoken rule.

“I like him.”

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Car-getters are not exactly dodgy, just odd. They always claim not to make a profit on their car transactions.

“Really we know very little about the car-getter and his spiritual connection with used vehicle. Maybe car-getters were abandoned as babies then raised in a forest by a family of wild Fiat Unos.”

Jun 10th

Welcome to you holiday.

By Chrystie M

Welcome to your holiday.

Getting There
Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests. 
  
The Hotel
This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self. 
  
The Restaurant


Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you. 
  
Your Room
Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! .. You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts. 
  
Bed
Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers. 
  
Above All
When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it. 

Mar 26th

From: The Daily Mash

By Colin L

HS2 viable if Birmingham moved to Lake District

25-03-15

lakedist

HS2 will deliver cost-effective journey time reductions if Birmingham is moved to Cumbria, experts have confirmed.

The Institute for Studies found that spending £50bn reducing the Birmingham-London journey time by 20 minutes was obviously stupid, but reducing the time by an hour and half was a bit less stupid.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “I drove up the M6, past Penrith and found myself in this vast emptiness. I realised I was now quite far from London, as opposed to being quite near, like Birmingham.

“And as I looked across this huge, undeveloped landscape I thought, ‘put Birmingham here’.”

Professor Brubaker claimed the cost of relocating Birmingham and then connecting it to London with high speed rail would be offset by turning the Lake District into an ‘economic powerhouse’.

He added: “The Lake District is a gigantic cliche filled with sentimental tourists. Let’s make it Birmingham instead.”

Professor Brubaker said the space vacated by Birmingham could be turned into a holiday camp for unfortunate children.

Mar 12th

From: The Daily Mash

By Colin L

Electric cars to come with choice of six exhaust tones

11-03-15

electric car 425x265

ELECTRIC cars are to give drivers a choice of six exhaust sounds from 80s Lada to Lamborghini Countach.

The cars have been shunned by motorists who fear that without engine noise, nobody will turn their heads to watch their four-door saloon go by like in the adverts.

A Nissan spokesman said: “The era of silently gliding milk floats that do nothing to wake up the neighbours is past.

“With the new Nissan Leaf you can reproduce the classic rattle of the Ford Cortina Mk 3, the reassuring Eastern Bloc v-v-v-v-v of a Lada starting up, or the deafening chug of a Bristol 70-seat Lodekka bus with 10,225cc diesel engine, as seen on On The Buses.

“Once you’ve impressed the ladies with the seductive purr of a Jaguar XE then, moments later, made a crocodile of schoolchildren void their bowels with the percussive whalefart of a Toyota Celica GT, you won’t want to go back.”

However motorist Norman Steele said: “You’re soon sick of the ones it comes with – everyone’s got them – but all the really good tones are £650 each to download.

“I wasn’t paying that so I got a Harley Davidson FXS Low Rider off BitTorrent, but it turned out to be the Crazy Frog and now I can’t get rid of it.”

Feb 26th

Our Day

By Christine B

This is a message of thanks to everyone that has sent good wishes to me and my husband, who had the misfortune to have an accident on Tuesday whilst on a Day Trip to France to do our annual shopping spree.

I have put some photos on the gallery, but briefly as we entered the Cite De Europe in Calais, my hubbie, Pat, decided to have his very own "Day Trip!" - he tripped over some low metal piping which he didn't see.  He fell full flat on his face!

The French "Secours" did a marvellous job in persuading him to go to hospital - he went in an ambulance and I followed on in our car.

At the A & E in Calais (which incidentally was very much better than ours!), he was eventually diagnosed with a fractured left kneecap, a fractured left shoulder (tip of the shoulder) and he had various other minor injuries, particularly to his nose, mouth and left hand which is now showing the lovely colours of bruising).

He was so well treated - by the staff and public at the Cite De Europe, the Secours service, the hospital at Calais, the check in staff at the ferry terminal and the staff in the ferry Food Court.

He is now recovering at home - unable to fully dress, and awaiting an appointment at our local fracture clinic.

I will update my blog when we have seen our clinic.

In the meantime, the graphic details can be seen on the photo pages!

 

Chris

Le 26 Fevrier 2015

 

Feb 23rd

Useful Advice for Planning a Problem Free Camping or Caravanning Trip

By Mary B

 

Useful Advice for Planning a Problem Free Camping or Caravanning Trip  

Camping is a fantastic way to relax and be at one with nature. After years of inner city living and working, getting out into the country allows a real sense of freedom, fresh air and the chance to explore. However, camping in a tent presents a few problems such as the difficulty of sleeping on the ground, as well as only being comfortable in warm weather.

Instead many opt for caravanning, which provides comfier bedding and warmer surroundings, suitable for nearly all year round. Whichever takes your fancy there are a few things you can do to avoid potential problems.    

Pick the Perfect Campsite

Booking in advance is advised, although some campsites will allow you to turn up and pitch if you’ve decided to just head out on a whim. It’s likely you will have an idea of whereabouts you intend to go camping but if there are any special or particular facilities you require some prior research is essential. Some campsites have swimming pools; certain ones are dedicated to quiet campers and others for families, which can impact upon your experience.

It’s also best to look at the weather in advance if the rain will affect your camping trip. Depending on where you’re heading some campsites are prone to flooding so should be avoided.   

 

Pack for the Occasion

It’s better to pack too much than too little (if you have the space). For those in a tent an airbed complete with pump and ear plugs will allow you to have a restful sleep. Packing both clothing for warm and cold weather, given British weather’s unpredictability, along with waterproofs for the inevitable rain is essential. Home comforts such as a warm shower may not be present, so take baby wipes, hand sanitizer and a towel and flannel to help keep some sense of cleanliness.   

 

Prepare For Potential Problems

Hopefully everything will run smoothly on your trip but, especially if this is your first time camping, there are always a few problems to prevent against. Buying a backup portable petrol generator from SGS Engineering will help in case of an emergency with your campervan and also to power any other electrical items. Ensure you know how to erect your tent or hook up your campervan before setting off as there may not be anyone around to help. Having a tent with insect netting will prevent too many getting in and bothering you as well.  

 

 

 

This is a guest blog provided on behalf of SGS Engineering

Jan 5th

Getting There

By Chrystie M

Getting There
Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests. 
  
The Hotel
This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self. 
  
The Restaurant
Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you. 
  
Your Room
Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! .. You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts. 
  
Bed
Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers. 
  
Above All
When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it. 

Aug 23rd

My Coach Holiday

By Ann R
As you may have noticed I have been absent over the past few days, this was due to me spending five days in Kent.

I must admit that, years ago, I had been put off coach holidays as well meaning people would see me on my own and insist that they accompany me, that was very nice of them but when a person tells them that they are alright they really ought to listen and take heed.  Anyway, enough of that.

Last autumn I joined the Friends of Hereford Cathedral which, for those of you not in the UK, is something that we have at different religious buildings throughout the country. The annual membership goes towards the upkeep of the building and that it why I joined, I have no faith at all, so it did amuse some of my friends.

Just before Christmas the newsletter arrived with details of trips, talks and the annual holiday which was in Kent.  My eyes lit up as I had only been to one of the places that they were going to, so I immediately booked up.

Needless to say that is where I have been for the past five days.  We set off at 8 on Monday and headed to Ledbury to pick up a few more passengers, then we were on our way.  

After a lunch break at Reading Services we then headed to Chartwell House. After a few hours there we were on our way again and soon arrived at our hotel in Ashford.

Tuesday we spent in Canterbury, Wednesday morning - Hever Castle; afternoon - Biddendon Vineyard; Thursday - Rochester and then Friday it was time to return home, calling into Penshurst Place on the way.

Over the next few weeks I will give a more detailed story of each place, I have learned to much over these past few days and I just hope that I can remember it all.

Kent is a beautiful county and we were so lucky as the weather held for us, it was sunny, slightly cool and the only rain we saw was a few spots while we were in Rochester.
Jun 25th

Down Memory Lane

By Ann R
Last Saturday I went on one of those special excursion trains (not a regular National Rail service) to my home town of Bournemouth. I knew that it was going to be a long day before I booked it. The train left Hereford at 6.00am and picked up passengers at Ledbury, Great Malvern, Worcester, Kidderminster, Stourbridge, Rowley Regis, Birmingham International, Rugby, Northampton and Milton Keynes.  Finally we were on our way but it still took three hours from that last pick up until we reached Bournemouth. The man opposite me was a train enthusiast and he explained that our train was using different routes where possible to avoid the passenger routes.

Finally we drew into Bournemouth Station at 1.30, which I noticed now has that new name.  It was always called Central Station when I lived there but on looking it up on the internet yesterday I saw that the name had been changed two years before I left home. That had obviously missed me by.

How the area has changed.  I left there in 1969 and my last visit was in 1996, when I swore that I would never go back again.  However, I had weakened and, with seeing various pictures on the internet the changes were not so much of a shock this time.  Great chunks of buildings had gone and modern structures had taken their place.

As we only had three and a half hours to see the place I caught the bus from the station down to the pier.  The old swimming baths had gone years ago, every year we used to go and see a summer show there. On the opposite side used to be a nice little shelter where I did a fair bit of 'courting'.  That had gone and all I could see was a fun fair and aquarium.

Walking through the gardens, taking photos along the way, I stopped to take one of a pillar - the same pillar that I had stood on aged about three with my father holding me.  He died three years later so it held a special memory for me.

I still cannot believe that I lived up the road from St Peter's Church and never set foot in it.  I would often cut through the churchyard but I have no idea why I didn't go into the church.  It is beautiful inside with painted walls and lovely stained glass in the Gothic revival style.  A grave in the churchyard contains the heart of the poet Shelley, also Mary Shelley (authoress of 'Frankenstein) is buried there.

Heading on up to the road where I lived (this was near the centre of the town) I was surprised to see that what had once been a road full of lovely individual shops was now one restaurant after another of every nationality you could think of.  The biggest laugh I had was when I arrived at the old registrar's office (which is where my parent's were married and my birth was registered).  It is now a strip club - aptly named 'Wiggles'!

After a quick pub lunch I headed slowly back to the station.  I am not a lover of the heat and it was getting to me by then, so I sat in the shade of the station and did a lot of 'people watching'.

Soon our train appeared and we were on our way home again, with a slight delay because of a signal box failure, and I finally crawled into bed just before 1.00am.

A long, tiring, but really enjoyable day and also it has helped me come to terms with the changes and I want to go back for a few days now and explore properly (using National Rail this time!). 
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