Apr 8th

Buying a Cow

By Colin L

A farmer had been taken advantage of several times by the
local car dealer. One day, the car dealer informed the
farmer that he was coming over to purchase a cow.

The farmer priced his cow as follows:

* Basic cow........................... $499.95
* Shipping and handling................. 35.75
* Extra stomach......................... 79.25
* Two-tone exterior.................... 142.10
* Produce storage compartment.......... 126.50
* Heavy-duty straw chopper............. 189.60
* Four-spigot/high-output drain system. 149.20
* Automatic fly swatter................. 88.50
* Genuine cowhide upholstery........... 179.90
* Deluxe dual horns..................... 59.25
* Automatic fertilizer attachment...... 339.40
* 4 x 4 traction drive assembly........ 884.16
* Pre-delivery wash and comb............ 69.80
* FARMER SUGGESTED LIST PRICE:........ 2843.36
* Additional dealer adjustments:....... 300.00


TOTAL LIST PRICE (Including options): $3143.36

Mar 30th

From: News Thump

By Colin L

National Express unveils new ‘bullet’ coach


NAtional Express bullet coach

National Express are to unveil a high-speed link that could see its coaches travel from Leeds to London in as little as 36 hours.

 

The new limited stop service will leave Leeds on Thursday mornings and arrive at London Victoria just a day and a half later, travelling via Harrogate, York, Sunderland, Retford, Norwich, Lowestoft, Herne Bay, Dover, Hastings, Worthing, Brighton, Croydon and 28 other towns.

 

“This shaves nearly five hours off our previous record,” said National Express Group CEO, Simon Williams.

 

“Customer feedback told us journeys could be a little drawn out – that’s why the ‘bullet’ now has a top speed of 41 mph and only stops twice in Grantham.”

 

Other features of the luxury service include an on-board toilet designed for travelers who are small enough to climb through a cat flap and an app that counts down the 2,160 minutes until you arrive in the capital.

 

“National Express continues to fly the flag for high speed commuting in the modern world,” added Mr Williams.

 

“We won’t be satisfied until we’ve brought this journey down to under 24 hours – and that could happen as soon as 2022.

 

“Anything from the snack trolley?”

 

 
 
Mar 30th

From: The Daily Mash

By Colin L

umbrella425

UMBRELLA users have announced that everyone else must get out of their way.

The wet weather is causing umbrella owners to block pavements and endanger eyes with their cumbersome rain canopies, then make a huge fuss about ‘shaking it out’.

Office manager Martin Bishop said: “When my umbrella is deployed it’s clearly a signal for other pedestrians to move aside, by leaping into traffic if necessary.

“Umbrellas give you certain rights above other citizens, such as being allowed to barge into them and poke them in the face, which would be assault if you did it with a stick.

“At your destination you are obliged to cause a massive palaver as you frantically ‘shake out’ your umbrella.

“Umbrella users are also entitled to leave them to dry in inconvenient places, such as office corridors or someone’s desk full of paperwork.”

Sales executive Donna Sheridan said: “I favour a stupidly large green-and-white golfing umbrella which I insist on using in even the tiniest amount of rain, as if it’s acid and I might melt.

“But people can be so rude. Today I poked someone in the face and he didn’t even apologise for getting his skin cells on my lovely brolly.”

Mar 16th

From: The Daily Mash

By Colin L

car tunnel 425x265

AN UNDERGROUND road between Manchester and Leeds will disprove the theory that all tunnels have a light at the end of them, it has been claimed.

The planned tunnel under the Pennines is expected to culminate only in a grey, lightless haze at both ends, rendering a key metaphor forever unusable.

Dr Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Manchester and Leeds have both been entirely covered with dense cloud since the Industrial Revolution, populated by bone-white denizens for whom ‘hope’ is the only taboo four-letter word.

“Travelling 18 miles under the Pennines only to find yourself in exactly the same drizzled gloom you left behind will break people, psychologically.

“This tunnel could be as important as the Large Hadron Collider, but instead of discovering subatomic particles it will further our knowledge of misery and despair.”

Leeds resident Donna Sheridan said: “A tunnel with Manchester at the end of it isn’t a tunnel. It’s a missile launch tube.”

Mar 7th

From: The Daily Mash

By Colin L

bus lane 425x265

BUS lanes mean that Soviet Russia is still alive and well in Britain today, a motorist has claimed. 

Nissan Qashqai driver Nathan Muir believes bus lanes, which give large numbers of low-paid workers priority over entrepreneurs, essentially mean that Lenin has won.

He continued: “The Red jackboot, shaped like a bus, stamps on the fingers of wealth creators again and again.

“I see that bus, loaded with grinning children like China’s Cultural Revolution, sail past me each morning and I know the war is over, and the West has lost.

“I don’t mind taxis, they’re Thatcherite. Cyclists remind me of the Viet Cong.”

Mar 7th

From: The Daily Mash

By Colin L

Bus lanes are communism, says motorist

06-03-16

bus lane 425x265

BUS lanes mean that Soviet Russia is still alive and well in Britain today, a motorist has claimed. 

Nissan Qashqai driver Nathan Muir believes bus lanes, which give large numbers of low-paid workers priority over entrepreneurs, essentially mean that Lenin has won.

He continued: “The Red jackboot, shaped like a bus, stamps on the fingers of wealth creators again and again.

“I see that bus, loaded with grinning children like China’s Cultural Revolution, sail past me each morning and I know the war is over, and the West has lost.

“I don’t mind taxis, they’re Thatcherite. Cyclists remind me of the Viet Cong.”

Nov 3rd

Deepest Exploration - Letter from Africa

By Geoff J

My quest is not finsihed but I am concerned for my survival so I write from the Equator where it runs through Africa. If I survive and find the other pole I will share the Treasure.

The Equator is not, of obvious course, marked on the map which I found in London Junk Shop. (Note - I found the map not the Equator in LJS.) The map is very dirty and rather obscured but I can see the faint pencilled marks of a previous owner. The very dirty map purports to lead me to the pole.

He or she (the previous owner) tells of a pole which he or she states is placed on the Equator. It seems she or he (I wish I  knew which) found the other pole already placed elsewhere on the Equator and that is the one that has the Treasure.

To know where the Treasure is I need to  find the pole he or she placed in Africa. When I do I will know where to look for the pole which was already placed in place before she or he placed his or her pole in Africa. The Treasure could be found by digging straight down beneath the pole to the other side of the Earth.

A part from being impossible to dig through the Earth, it is strictly forbidden to move or attempt to move the pole in Africa. (Anyway, I did not want to blister my palms with digging.) These two pre-conditions mean that I shall need to traverse (is that the right word?) Earth to get to the other side (of Earth) and so locate the other pole.

(Here endeth chapter one of ...)

PS Do you want to know what happened?

 

Aug 23rd

From: News Biscuit

By Colin L

Non-queueing licence renewed for BMW drivers

The Department of Transport has confirmed that BMW drivers will continue to be exempt from queueing at roadworks for a further year. ‘We try to give a good half mile notice of lane closures so that non-BMWs can get out of the way, enabling BMWs to get straight to the bottleneck without waiting,’ a spokesman explained.

‘There have been some regrettable incidents involving non-qualifying vehicles occupying this lane, including some idiotic drivers who have blocked it completely, forcing BMWs to drive at the same speed as ordinary traffic. We will penalise anybody caught behaving in this manner’.

The BMW Owners’ Club has given the news a cautious welcome, but criticised the Department for refusing to let BMW drivers use blue flashing lights en route to major meetings.

Aug 19th

From: The Daily Mash

By Colin L

Everyone has a relative who 'can get you any car'

18-08-15

mancar425

ALL Britons have a male relative who can get them any second-hand car, it has emerged.

Researchers at the Institute for Studies found that all families include at least one ‘car-getter’, who is usually called ‘Uncle Steve’ or ‘Roy’s cousin Pete’.

Teacher Stephen Malley said: “I got my last car off my dad’s cousin, who pops up bi-annually at family barbecues and always mentions that he can get you any car you like, right down to choosing the year and the colour.

“It’s not clear where the cars come from, it’s some sort of auction. I’m fairly sure it’s legitimate, or at least semi-legitimate.”

Post office work Mary Fisher said: “Come to think of it, we always get our used cars off Roy’s cousin Pete.

“Every two years he just turns up at the door with a blue hatchback and asks if we want to buy it, but says it’s no problem if we don’t. He never specifically asks for payment in cash but it is an unspoken rule.

“I like him.”

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Car-getters are not exactly dodgy, just odd. They always claim not to make a profit on their car transactions.

“Really we know very little about the car-getter and his spiritual connection with used vehicle. Maybe car-getters were abandoned as babies then raised in a forest by a family of wild Fiat Unos.”

Jun 10th

Welcome to you holiday.

By Chrystie M

Welcome to your holiday.

Getting There
Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests. 
  
The Hotel
This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self. 
  
The Restaurant


Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you. 
  
Your Room
Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! .. You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts. 
  
Bed
Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers. 
  
Above All
When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it. 

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