DropBy

so, I went into Tesco's this afternoon with a huge basket of shopping - the lovely assistant said do you want a bag??? no, it is ok!!!! I will just balance it on my head!!!!!!!! of course I need a bag!!!!!!!!!!! lol how else do you you expect me to get it home>>>>>>>>.

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.
I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the
teenager at the counter.
'You don't?' I replied. 'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.
'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'
'That's right.' So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets
(Unbelievable but sadly true...)
(Must have been the same one I asked for sweetener,
and she said they didn't have any, only Splenda and sugar.)

TWO
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. 
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the
'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.
Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'
I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'
She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue as to what had just happened.

( But the lady behind me had a big smirk on her face as I left)

THREE
A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'

(Keep shuddering!!)

FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked. She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'
'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.
'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and  check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'

PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!!

FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.

Brunette, by the way!!

SIX
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......'
Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency right away'

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Sainsbury's.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to
get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women -
she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local
Sainsbury's...
Dear Mrs. Harris,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in
our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to
ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband,
Mr. Harris, are listed below and are "documented by our video
surveillance cameras":

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other
people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-
minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the
employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her
Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing
management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of
Maltesers.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children
obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
Emergency Medics were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a
mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly
humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look'
by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES
AGAIN!

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the
fitting room was.

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in
here.'
One of the Staff passed out.

--- What Is Couple Sex? (not what you think)

An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard
and asked him, "Grampa, what is couple sex?"

The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but
decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question, then she's
old enough to get a straight answer.

Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about
human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities that come with it.

When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her
mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.

Puzzled by the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you
ask this question honey?"

The little girl replied, "Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a
couple secs.

Best wishes


Sam

An 80-year old Scotsman went to the doctor for a check-up.
The doctor was amazed at the great shape the old fellow was in and asked.
'How do you stay in such great physical condition?'
'I am Scots and I’m a golfer,' said the old fellow, 'and that’s why I’m in such good shape.
I am up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways.
I have a wee nip of whiskey on each hole, and that’s it.'
'Well,' said the doctor, 'I’m sure that helps, but there has to be more to it.
How old was your dad when he died?'
'Who said my dad died?'
The doctor was amazed.
'You mean you are 80 years old and your dad’s still alive. How old is he?'
'He’s a 100 years old,' said the old Scottish golfer. 'In fact he golfed wi’ me this mornin’,
and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and another wee dram,
and that’s why he’s still alive.
He’s a Scot and a golfer, too.'
'Well,' the doctor said, 'that’s great, but I am sure there’s more to it than that. How about your dad’s dad?
How old was he when he died?'
'Who said my grandad is dead?'
Stunned, the doctor asked, 'You mean you are 80 years old and your grandfather is still living!
Incredible, how old is he?'
'He turned 118 last month,' said the old Scot.
The doctor was getting frustrated at this point:
'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'
'No. Grandad  could’nae go this mornin’ because he’s getting married today.'
At this point the doctor was close to losing it.
'Getting married?! Why would a 118-year old bloke want to get married?'


'Who said he wanted to?'

An elderly couple in their eighties, Donald and Maggie, were celebrating their 50th Wedding Anniversary. They had married as sweethearts and had recently moved back into their old neighbourhood to celebrate their big day.
They were holding hands as the walked along the High St in Drumcairn where they came across their old school. It was not locked so they entered and found the old desk they had shared tog ether as school children and where Donald had carved `I love you Maggie`.
Later, as they continued on down the High St. a bag of money fell from an armoured car and landed at their feet! Maggie quickly picked it up and not sure what to do took it home and counted the money – fifty thousand pounds! Donald said, `Och, we`ve got to give it back`. But Maggie replied,“Finders keepers”. So she took the bag and hid it in the attic.
Two police officers called around the neighbourhood looking for the money and they eventually knocked on the door and asked did either of you find abag of money that fell from an armoured car yesterday?” Maggie said, “No,no, no!” But Donald said, “Och, officer she`s lying, it`s up in the attic.” Maggie said, don`t believe a word he says, he`s old and senile”.
But, not to be put off the officers ask Donald to tell his story of what
happened. Donald said, “Well, it was when Maggie and I were walking home from school yesterday...”
The first police office lost his patience, turned to his colleague and
said in an exasperated manner, “Och, come on, let`s get out of here!”

Thought this might amuse you.

All you Grandpas and Grandmas, this is too funny not to forward.

For all those reaching that stage where we need to keep the wax out of our
ears and the hearing aids tuned up. Enjoy!

--- What Is Couple Sex?---

An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard
and asked him, "Grampa, what is couple sex?"

The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but
decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question, then she's
old enough to get a straight answer.

Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about
human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities that come with it.

When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her
mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.

Puzzled by the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you
ask this question honey?"

The little girl replied, "Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a
couple secs.